Attachment Styles - Why Yours May Be Causing Conflict In Your Relationship

You and your partner have a pattern, it may look like this:  You are feeling restless, you think it’s because of your relationship.  You start to wonder what is wrong in your relationship. You question if your partner is cheating on you, if they’ve fallen out of love with you, if they are no longer interested in you sexually.  You start to question if you’ve gained weight, if you are boring. All this anxiety in your head causes you to start to cling to your partner. You start to question them more about where they’ve been, do they find you attractive, “how come we don’t have sex anymore?”.  You plan date nights, but lingerie. The more you try, the more your partner pulls back. They ignore you, change the subject, become more focused on the TV, computer, everything else but you. All of your efforts seem to drive away your partner.  

Or maybe your pattern looks more like this:  Your partner brings up a conflict with you. They didn’t do the best job of bringing it up in a gentle way.  You’re angry at them, you feel defensive, you can’t really put words to your feelings but your pissed and you are shutting down.  Your head goes blank, you really don’t know what to say, you aren’t really even listening to your partner anymore. Your partner gets more angry, raises their voice, acts more desperate to get your attention but it doesn’t work because you’ve gone into panic mode and have checked out.  The conflict escalates until someone or both of you explodes and says something that you or they regret. Both of you retreat, don’t talk about the issue, no resolution has taken place.

These are just two common patterns I see in couples.  You may not realize it but both of these patterns are caused by attachment wounds and fear of abandonment.

There are 3 types of attachment; secure, anxious, and avoidant.  Attachment is formed in our childhood through our relationships with our primary caregivers.  

As you might have guessed, we aim for secure attachment.  Someone with secure attachment is comfortable with their own feelings, comfortable with their partners feelings, enjoys intimacy and closeness but also values independence (theirs and their partners).

Most of us are anxious or avoidant.  People with anxious attachment styles tend to be anxious in their relationships and tend to personalize their partners interactions.  To feel secure in their relationship they tend to need frequent re-assurance from their partner, attention, and intimacy. When their partner pulls away or expresses a need for independence this makes the anxious person hold on tighter.

Avoidant attachment style people tend to value their freedom over their relationships.  When they get close to intimacy and vulnerability they have the urge to push away. People who fall into this category often times are uncomfortable with their own feelings or their partners feelings.

These attachment styles can make it challenging to be in a relationship.  For example, the classic dance I see in couples therapy is an anxious person who is in a relationship with an avoidant person.  The push, pull of this pairing can create much conflict.

Another common mixing that I see in my work with couples is a mix of avoidant and secure.  Frequently the secure person is confused by the avoidant person’s apparent lack of interest in the relationship.  This pairing often comes to couples therapy saying that the relationship lacks emotional intimacy.

What can a couple do if they are finding themselves in an incompatible attachment style relationship?  I first want to say that attachment styles can be changed. By learning to understand our emotions, and getting comfortable with uncomfortable emotions, and learning how to express and manage our emotions in a healthy way we can start to make the transition over to a secure attachment style.

Another option is to work on attachment styles together, with your partner, in couples therapy.  Couples therapy can help you to learn how to communicate with your partner in a way that they can hear.  Couples therapy can also teach you tools on how to hear what your partner is communicating with you. Beyond the basics of listening, couples therapy can also help you to learn how to negotiate for your needs in your relationship, help you to learn how to navigate conflict (because conflict is normal), and couples therapy can help you learn how to reconnect with your partner following a conflict.

It’s true that attachment styles can cause conflict in relationships.  However, if we can learn to understand, express our feelings in a healthy way, and learn to communicate with our partner we can create meaningful and healthy relationships, no matter what our or our partner’s attachment style is.  When we learn to understand our feelings and communicate with our partner it is entirely possible to work through conflict with our partner in a way that brings about resolution.

It is possible to have a healthy, meaningful, and fulfilling relationship. 

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT can help you to understand your relationship patterns and how those patterns may be getting in the way of you having the relationship that you want.

Call today (619) 383-1900 to schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation.  Or go to the home page and click on the button to schedule your consultation today.

3 Ways Therapy Can Help Your Relationship

Each couple brings in a unique set of challenges and experiences that dictate their needs in couples therapy.  Your therapist can discuss with you what your needs are and can help you and your partner create goals for couples therapy.  Along with those goals that you create with your therapist there are some benefits that just go along with doing couples therapy.  

There are no guaranteed outcomes in therapy and your therapist can’t promise resolution to the problem that brought you in.  However most people that do go to couples therapy report an increase in relationship satisfaction.

Couples therapy can help you learn the right way to argue so that the problem doesn’t get bigger.  This is a huge benefit to couples therapy. This goes way beyond just using I messages when in an argument with your partner.  What I tell my couples is that I messages are an art - they go way beyond “I feel angry”. Think about some of the I messages you’ve given in your life.  Chances are one or two of them have deteriorated into you statements without you even realizing it. They may have looked something like “I feel angry when YOU forget to clean up after yourself.  I am not your mom”. See how that might look like an I statement but after some examination it’s a little more clear how that turned into a you statement. If you’ve done this don’t get upset with yourself - I messages are hard.  A trained couples therapist can help you to learn the art of a softened startup which is basically learning nice ways to bring up potentially conflictual topics with your partner. A therapist can also help you learn how to de-escalate an argument that has gone south.  Learning the right way to argue now will save you a ton of frustration in the future. Even if you and your partner don’t have any major issues between the two of you now, learning how to argue will save the two of you from having small problems turn into much larger problems.

Couples therapy can also help you to build your friendship.  Of course you are friends with your partner, you have this relationship for a reason after all.  There is some part of you that does like this person. But as we grow and change so do our partners.  Couples therapy helps people to keep the friendship in focus and provides a space and opportunity to learn about some of the ways in which your partner may have changed since the two of you started dating.  Friendship is a key component to helping couples get through tougher times in their relationships.

Couples therapy can help you learn how to talk in a way that will help your partner listen.  This goes back to what I was saying earlier about the softened start up. If we go into a tough conversation with guns blazing, ready to take down our partner because we are pissed chances are our partner will run the other way and we will be left even more frustrated because not only were we mad about the situation but now we feel unheard.  Honestly, who likes that feeling? A trained couples therapist can help you learn how to speak in a way that helps your partner to listen. In return the therapist can help your partner learn active listening skills so that when you do speak, they can really hear what it is you are trying to communicate.

Are you ready to start working on your relationship? Call today to schedule your free 15 minute phone consultation and find out how therapy might be able to help your relationship. (619) 383-1900.

Your Relationship After Baby

Even the best of couples can feel off in their relationship after a baby arrives.  Exhaustion has set in, routines have changed, and you are in the midst of renegotiating household responsibilities.  As the kids get older it can continue to feel as if you and your partner are no longer spending time together, connecting, taking time to be a couple.  

John Gottman is a researcher who has studied couples and is considered a leading resource for couples therapists.  One tool that Gottman suggests to get a couple back on track is the use of a Love Map.  A Love Map, simply put, is a way to get to know the small things in your husband or wife’s life.  Asking questions such as “who do you like to go to lunch with at work?” and “what do you worry about?” can help to build a better understanding of your partners world.

You may think you know the answers to many of these questions and perhaps you do but I’m guessing some of the answers have changed over time.  Just as our world is constantly evolving - think back to when you had your baby and the changes you experienced with your friendship circle, thoughts and way of feeling.  Heck, even how you experienced going to the grocery store changed.  It might be surprising to learn that our partners also underwent a change too.  Even if your kids are grown and gone or you are just starting a new relationship, asking questions about your partner is a great way to build what Gottman refers to as a “solid foundation” for your relationship.

This week I encourage you to ask questions about your partner's life, likes and dislikes.  Learn what is currently making them tick, take an interest in their work, ask questions, ask about their experiences during the day.

You can start building a Love Map by asking your partner questions such as “What’s my favorite place to eat lunch?” or ask your partner questions like “Where do you like to go out for lunch when you’re at work?”  Here are some additional questions to get you started on building your Love Map.

If you could take a vacation anywhere, where would you go?

What is your favorite vacation we took and why?

What’s your favorite restaurant?

What’s your most embarrassing moment?

What’s the best book you’ve read in the past year?

What is your proudest moment?

As your partner shares listen without judgement, ask questions, be curious and have fun.

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Vacaville, Pollock Pines and Sacramento.  Providing online counseling for women and couples - serving all areas of California.

Attachment Styles and What that Means for Your Relationship

How your parents raised you might have to do with why you are fighting so much with your partner

What is attachment?  The way our parents and caregivers treat us when we are babies, children, and teens informs our attachment style.  When we are infants and children we are dependent on our caregivers for basic needs and the way they treat us (lovingly, dismissively, overly engaged, etc.) affects the way we are able to attach to others when we are adults.  Attachment is the emotional bond we form with others.

Your attachment pattern can affect the way you relate to your partner.

There are four main types of attachment styles.

Secure Attachment:  In a relationship these are the people that are comfortable with themselves, comfortable with their feelings, and comfortable asking for what they need and want.  They have clear boundaries, aren’t afraid to express their feelings to their partners, and easily show vulnerability to their partners.

Avoidant Attachment:  In a relationship these are the people that tend to guard their thoughts and emotions.  They don’t easily share what they are feeling or thinking and they try and solve personal issues on their own.  When a problem comes up in a relationship or if they perceive themselves as being rejected by their partner, avoidant attachment people will tend to run for the door.  It is extremely difficult for people with this attachment style to express their feelings. When asked or pressured to share their feelings they might even have a difficult time identifying the feeling they are having.  

Anxious Attachment:  In a relationship a person who has anxious attachment will seek high levels of intimacy and attachment but then will worry that their partner doesn’t want to be with them.  When a problem comes up in the relationship or if the feel that they are being rejected by their partner they may aggressively demand reassurance, use blame tactics, or become emotionally dysregulated (bursts of anger, threatening to leave, and other forms of emotional manipulation) in an effort to engage and re-attach with their partner.  

Fearful Avoidant Attachment:  This attachment style frequently occurs (but not always) when a person has experienced trauma in their life.  They have learned that it is dangerous to get close to people (both physically and psychologically dangerous).  In a relationship these people tend to swing from one extreme to the other, desire a close and intimate relationship and then when becoming fearful they push away from their partner.  It is difficult for people with this attachment style to trust and as such they don’t feel comfortable with their feelings or with being vulnerable.

Your attachment style and your partner’s attachment style can have a big impact on the way the two of you connect.  For example when in a fight the avoidant person may withdraw emotionally from the argument while the anxious person may try to overly attach to their partner.  When the anxious person doesn’t get the reassurance they are looking for they may in turn become angry, escalating the conflict. No one way is right or wrong, each person in the relationship is seeking their own way to resolve the fight and get their needs met when experiencing heightened emotions.  Because these two styles don’t match up it may result in making the problem worse for the couple.

Being aware of your own attachment style and your partner’s attachment style can help you to better understand your partner’s needs, see the issue or argument in a different light, and foster a greater sense of empathy for each other.

Were you able to find your attachment style in this list?  How about your partners?

Exciting Updates

Things are changing around here!  

I'm sorry I have been a little bad about being consistent with my blogging lately.  Next week I will return to posting regularly on Wednesday mornings.  In the meantime I have been contributing to online blogs, you probably read the one from last week that I posted "Tips for Talking to Your Therapist" and this week I have another great one for you to read.  This article is all about being vulnerable in your relationship, such a hard thing to do!  It's from the Bustle website and features tips from many different therapist's and some comments from yours truly.  Here is a link to the article if you are interested What To Do If You're Having a Hard Time Being Vulnerable In a Relationship also on Bustle 13 Small Changes You Can Make this Weekend to Reduce Your Anxiety.

As for what's new around here, I'm now offering online therapy to clients.  I know how busy life can get, especially for parents and working women trying to have it all.  I respect that you have a hustle and need to get shit done.  The great thing about online therapy is the flexibility it allows with scheduling.  Lunch hour sessions, no problem.  Sessions before you go to work, girl, I'm an early riser and can get online for a 7 am session if that works for you.  I also reserve a limited number of evening spots for my online peeps.  Send me an email if you want to schedule a session and try it out - Gwendolyn@GwendolynNelsonTerry.com

The other thing that's new around here is that I now accept Cigna health insurance and I hope to be able to start taking MHN and Tricare insurance soon.  Check back for updates if you are wanting to use your MHN or Tricare insurance.

By the way - Most Cigna plans will cover online therapy sessions.

That's it for me today.  I hope you all are having a wonderful week and I hope everyone has an amazing weekend.  Next week, blogs will start being posted on Wednesday mornings again.

Interested in giving online therapy a try or ready to schedule a session to meet in my office?  Call today to schedule your session and get started on the path to feeling better (619)383-1900.