Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry

How to improve communication in your marriage

Introduction

Communication is at the heart of a healthy marriage. If you feel misunderstood, stuck in repeating arguments, or emotionally disconnected, you’re not alone—and there is hope. By using research-based tools from the Gottman Method, you can improve communication in your marriage in concrete, practical ways. In this article we’ll walk through what good marital communication looks like, why many couples struggle, how the Gottman Method frames the issue, and step-by-step guidance you and your partner can practice. You’ll also find pointers to common pitfalls and FAQ answers.

What counts as healthy communication in marriage?

Defining communication in a marital context

When we talk about “communication in your marriage,” we mean more than just exchanging words. It includes how you listen, respond, express needs and feelings, and connect emotionally with your partner. Healthy communication allows both partners to feel heard, respected, and safe to express vulnerability.

Why good communication matters

When communication works well:

  • You build intimacy, trust, and emotional safety.

  • Conflict gets managed rather than avoided or explosive.

  • You feel more aligned on your goals and partnership.
    Conversely, poor communication can lead to feelings of isolation, resentment, recurring fights, and over time even emotional or physical separation. Research with the Gottman Method shows that destructive communication patterns are strong predictors of relational distress. (Gottman Institute)

Why couples often struggle with marital communication

Common road-blocks

  • The “Four Horsemen”: According to Gottman’s research, four specific patterns—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—are especially corrosive to marriage. (From 2 to 3 Relationship Counselling)

  • Emotional flooding: When one partner becomes overwhelmed by negative emotion and shuts down or bursts out, constructive communication becomes impossible. (PMC)

  • Not turning toward bids for connection: Everyday moments where one partner reaches out (“bids”) and the other ignores or turns away, gradually erode connection. The Gottman research points to the importance of “turning toward” vs “away”. (Psychology Today)

  • Assuming conflict must be ‘solved’: Some disagreements are perpetual (e.g., different habits or personalities) and insistence on “fixing” them rather than managing them leads to frustration. (Psychology Today)

The research-based underpinning

The Gottman Institute reports that couples’ interaction patterns are remarkably stable—80 % of couples showed the same conflict interaction patterns three years later. (Gottman Institute) Several studies show that interventions using the Gottman method lead to improvements in communication patterns, marital adjustment and intimacy. (PMC)

How the Gottman Method helps improve communication

The Gottman Method isn't just therapy for when things are dire—it offers a structured framework couples can use to consistently improve how they interact. According to a summary on Psychology Today:

“The method focuses on developing the skills and understanding necessary for partners to maintain fondness and admiration, turn toward each other … and manage conflict.” (Psychology Today)

Key components relevant to communication

Here are a few essential building-blocks from the Gottman framework that support better communication:

  • Build your “Love Maps”: This means knowing your partner’s world—hopes, worries, stresses, dreams—which lays groundwork for meaningful communication. (Psychology Today)

  • Cultivate fondness & admiration: Regularly recognizing and appreciating your partner builds positive sentiment that buffers conflict. (thrivedowntown.com)

  • Turn toward each other: During daily life and especially in times of stress, responding to your partner’s bids for connection helps reinforce emotional safety. (Ascension Counseling & Therapy)

  • Manage conflict constructively: The goal is not necessarily to eliminate all disagreement, but to have tools to dialogue rather than digress into harmful patterns (like the Four Horsemen). (Psychology Today)

What this means for communication specifically

  • Replace “You always…” statements (criticism) with “I feel…when…” statements and a clear request. (From 2 to 3 Relationship Counselling)

  • Recognize when you’re becoming defensive or stonewalling and apply a self-soothing break.

  • Regularly do check-ins: ask your partner “How are you feeling? What do you need from me?” and listen earnestly.

  • Prioritize frequent small positive interactions (a smile, a pause, a question) to buffer negativity.

Step-by-step plan: improving communication in your marriage

Here is a structured plan you and your partner can work through. Customize to fit your rhythm and life circumstances.

Step 1 – Create a safe time and setting

Find a consistent time (once a week or bi-weekly) when both of you are relatively calm. Turn off devices, minimal distractions. This is your communication practice session.

What to do in that session

  • Agree on a time-limit (e.g., 30 minutes).

  • One person speaks for a designated time (e.g., 5 min) about how they’re feeling, what’s on their mind. The other listens without interruption.

  • Swap roles.

  • End with a short “bids for connection” check: each asks the other what they need in the next week.

Step 2 – Build your Love Map

Questions to explore

  • What are my partner’s current stresses? What matters to them right now?

  • What keeps them up at night? What recent wins or challenges have they had?

  • What are their hopes or goals for the next year?
    Regularly revisiting these keeps your mental map of your partner’s inner world up to date.

Step 3 – Express fondness and admiration regularly

Make time each day or week to verbally acknowledge something you admire about your partner.

  • It might be: “I really appreciated how you handled the kids this week.”

  • Or: “I love the way you stay calm when things get hectic.”
    These positive communications strengthen the “buffer” between you and any conflict.

Step 4 – Respond to bids for connection

Pay attention to small moments when your partner reaches out: a glance, a question, a sigh. Turning toward means noticing and responding (“I’m here, I hear you”) rather than turning away. Over time, this builds emotional safety and openness.

Step 5 – Use constructive communication tools for conflict

Soft Start-Up


When you raise a concern:

  • Start with a gentle, “I”-statement: “I feel upset when…”

  • Avoid “You always/never…”

  • Ask a question rather than accuse: “Would you be willing to…?”

Self-Soothing & Take-a-Break


If you feel overwhelmed (flooding) during an argument, the Gottman work recommends a break: say “I’m feeling overwhelmed; can we take a 20-minute break and come back to this?” Then both self‐soothe (calm breathing, walk, water). Returning when calmer avoids escalation.

Repair Attempts

Recognize when your partner is attempting a repair (an apology, a gesture). Use it. Even when angry, the mere act of acknowledging helps.

Accepting what cannot be solved

Some problems are perpetual (e.g., different sleep preferences, money habits). The aim is not perfect resolution but managing them respectfully, making predictable negotiations, humor, and empathy part of it. This distinction appears in Gottman’s framework. (Psychology Today)

Step 6 – Maintain the 5:1 positivity ratio

Research by the Gottman Institute suggests that for every negative interaction during conflict, about five positive interactions help buffer the relationship and support emotional connection. (Vogue) Make it a habit: five small positive gestures (smile, touch, appreciation, connection) for each challenging moment.

Step 7 – Make communication a habit, not a patch

Communication improvement is not a one-off fix. The marriage-science tells us interaction patterns are stable (80 % same pattern in three years) unless intentionally changed. (Gottman Institute) So build these practices as recurring habits: weekly check-ins, daily turns toward each other, scheduled positive interactions, and agreed conflict protocols.

Practical tips & common pitfalls

  • Tip: Use a timer during check-in sessions. Ensures fairness and helps you stay focused.

  • Tip: Keep a “communication journal” separately (or together) with brief notes: “Tonight we did our 30 min; I appreciated…” This reinforces the habit.

  • Pitfall: Don’t jump into problem‐solving when your partner just wants to be heard. In intimate conversations the goal is understanding, not immediate resolution. (Gottman Institute)

  • Pitfall: Don’t avoid the small bids for connection. These are the “micro‐moments” that drive intimacy and safety.

  • Tip: Celebrate wins: When you notice you handled a disagreement better than before, acknowledge it together.

  • Tip: If you find yourselves stuck in repeating the Four Horsemen patterns, consider seeking a trained couples therapist skilled in Gottman Method interventions. Research shows the method can improve communication patterns and marital adjustment. (PMC)

FAQ

Q1: My partner refuses to participate — what can I do?
A: You can begin the habit on your own—doing the check-in, practising turning toward their bids, expressing fondness. Sometimes when the partner sees the change you create, they may become interested. If not, consider inviting them non‐judgmentally: “I’d like to try something that could help us feel closer—would you be willing to give 30 minutes of this a week for four weeks?”

Q2: We still fight the same topics over and over — is this normal?
A: Yes. According to the Gottman Method, many couples have perpetual issues. The key is not to “win” but to dialogue about the underlying feelings (“What am I really feeling when we fight about chores?”) and manage the pattern rather than expect the issue to be completely solved. (Psychology Today)

Q3: How long until we see improvement?
A: It varies. Some couples notice subtle shifts in weeks (better responsiveness, fewer stonewalling moments). To shift entrenched patterns may take months of consistent practice. The research on Gottman interventions found measurable improvements after structured programs (e.g., 8 sessions) in communication patterns. (PMC)

Q4: Can this work if we’re already far apart or considering separation?
A: Yes—although the change may require more commitment and possibly professional help. The Gottman Method is used in both relatively healthy relationships and those in crisis. (Psychology Today) However, if there are issues like abuse, addiction, or severe trauma, a specialized therapist should lead the work.

Sources & research

Author credit note: Gwendolyn Nelson, LMFT

I hope this article gives you actionable steps and a clear framework to improve communication in your marriage. If you’d like help tailoring the tools to your specific situation (e.g., busy schedules, parenting stress, long-distance), I’d be happy to help you design that too.

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Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry

Why Gen X Shouldn’t Go It Alone: Embracing Couples Therapy for Connection and Healing

Generation X—born between roughly 1965 and 1980—was raised to prize independence and self-reliance. We lived through “Latchkey” childhoods, watched MTV revolutionize culture, and learned to adapt quickly in a fast‑changing world. But though these traits serve us well, they can also make it hard to seek help, especially when the most intimate connection in our lives—our partner relationship—is fraying. In this blog, I’ll explore why Gen X couples are uniquely positioned to benefit from couples therapy and how therapy can become a powerful tool for reconnection, healing, and resilience.

1. Who Is Generation X—and Why We Need Couples Therapy

Gen Xers are the middle children of generations—sandwiched between the Baby Boomers and Millennials. We carry the weight of responsibility: caring for aging parents, raising children in a digital world, and managing careers in change. And yet, we were taught to tough it out and solve our own problems. Therapy can feel foreign, even taboo.

But here’s the truth: couples therapy is not a sign of failure—it’s a sign of courage and commitment.

Why it’s hard for Gen Xers to reach out:

  • We prize self-sufficiency. “I should figure this out.”

  • Mental health is still stigmatized in our upbringing.

  • Vulnerability, emotional expression—it often feels uncomfortable, especially when worn like armor early in life.

The result? Couples drift apart, communication becomes transactional, and intimacy fades. But springing into therapy can reverse that—and help couples rebuild trust, deeper connection, and greater joy.

2. Common Challenges in Gen X Relationships

There are patterns many of us recognize:

A) Emotional disconnection

With busy schedules, we may default to functional check‑ins (“Who’s picking up the kids?”) rather than meaningful heart-to-heart. The emotional void grows.

B) Resentment and unmet expectations

Work stress, financial pressure, caregiving demands—accompanied by the unspoken belief that I should be handling this alone—leads to resentment. It builds quietly until it bursts in fights or silent withdrawal.

C) Communication fatigue

Gen X grew up before instant connectivity. As adults, we may fall into patterns of conflict avoidance or searing criticism—none of which serve deep connection.

D) Midlife transitions

Kids growing up, health changes, aging parents, career shifts—this midlife turbulence often causes identity shifts (“Who am I now?”) which ripple into relationships.

3. What Couples Therapy Can Do for Generation X

Couples therapy helps not by “fixing the other person,” but by giving tools, objective space, and emotional permission. Here’s what it can uniquely offer Gen X:

A) Relearning communication

Therapy teaches new ways to express needs without blame, to listen deeply, and to bridge emotional distance. A therapist acts like a coach who facilitates understanding.

B) Naming and releasing resentment

Pain often hides in unspoken frustration. Therapy creates a safe conversation container where unmet needs can be expressed, heard, and addressed.

C) Rebuilding intimacy

Through guided exercises, couples can restore both emotional and physical intimacy—learning how to reconnect after years of drift.

D) Managing life transitions together

Whether shifting roles (empty nest, aging parents, career pivots) or confronting mortality, therapy supports couples to navigate changes as a team rather than individual struggles.

4. So How Does Therapy Work? A Gen Xer’s View of the Journey

Let’s imagine a typical course:

1. First session: Getting grounded

  • You and your partner share your story, goals, and grievances.

  • The therapist clarifies that therapy isn’t about blame—it’s about understanding patterns.

2. Early Sessions: Mapping patterns

  • You identify repeated conflict loops (“You want more closeness, I pull away,” etc.).

  • Each person learns to see how their responses feed the loop unintentionally.

3. Middle Sessions: Building tools

  • Exercises in active listening, emotional attunement, vulnerability with structure.

  • You practice “I feel ____ when you ____” statements instead of judgment-laden labels.

4. Later Sessions: Re-establishing connection

  • You design rituals—like weekly check-ins or surprise date nights—to reintroduce warmth.

  • Sexual intimacy conversations, emotional safety, and dreams for the future often re-emerge.

5. Ending sessions: Creating sustainability

  • You notice the shifts: calmer conversations, more empathy, less reactivity.

  • The therapist helps you build a personalized plan to sustain the changes over time.

5. FAQs from Gen X Couples

Q: “Is therapy worth the time and money at this stage in our lives?”
Absolutely. In fact, it may save time and money in the long run by preventing deeper disconnection, conflict, or even separation.

Q: “What if my partner doesn’t want therapy?”
Many therapists offer individual sessions at first. Sometimes one partner’s growth invites the other in. And therapists can help navigate hesitation with gentleness.

Q: “We’re in our 50s now—can therapy still help?”
Yes. Relationships evolve across decades. Therapy isn’t only for crises—it’s for growth, reconnection, and reigniting partnership at any life stage.

6. Why Gen Xers May Resist – And Why That Resistance Is Natural

Resistance #1: Therapy feels weak or needy

Gen X grew up hearing: “Don’t cry, just deal.”
But asking for help takes courage, not weakness. Therapy is proactive—not passive.

Resistance #2: We fear being overwhelmed by emotion

Therapy usually starts slow. It’s step‑by‑step, allowing comfort to build over time, not emotional deluge.

Resistance #3: I’m worried it’ll be awkward

Therapists are trained to create safety. You don’t need dramatic revelations; sometimes simply learning new techniques is enough to begin restoration.

7. Real‑World Benefits for Gen X Couples

  • Improved emotional connection: Partners begin to feel heard again.

  • Better handling of life stress: Parenting, caregiving, job changes become team challenges, not lonely battles.

  • Renewed intimacy: Many couples report greater closeness, both emotionally and physically, after several months in therapy.

  • Communication gains that ripple outward: Learned skills influence parenting, friendships, family relations.

8. How to Choose a Therapist That Fits

  • Look for an accessible, experienced therapist in couples or emotionally focused work. Credentials and years of experience matter less than an ability to build trust quickly.

  • Consider modalities: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Gottman Method, Imago Therapy, or integrative approaches.

  • Check mindset matches: A therapist who understands Gen X pacing—practical, grounded, results‑oriented—can feel more accessible.

  • Ask about telehealth options, especially if schedules are tight or commuting is a barrier.

9. Advice for Couples Before They Begin

1. Set a shared goal:

Agree at the outset: “We’re not here to blame—just to reconnect and rebuild.”

2. Go in with curiosity:

Therapy is a journey—not a trial. Be open enough to learn patterns about your partner and yourself.

3. Be consistent:

Even when sessions feel slow, keep showing up. Progress happens incrementally.

4. Practice between sessions:

Use communication tools in real life: check‑ins, gratitude statements, or breathing together when tensions rise.

10. A Sample Gen‑X Couple Story: From Distance to Deepened Bond

Let me tell you about Laura and Marcus. They were both born in the late 1960s: raised to 'tough it out', married young, career‑focused, parenting two teens. They lived parallel lives — professional achievements and family duty, but little emotional closeness.

When their kids entered high school, the sand beneath them shifted. Teen drama, college prep, aging parents—pressure crackled through the household. Arguments became explosive—or silent. In fairness, they both loved each other—but the love got buried.

Through couples therapy, they learned:

  • To pause before reacting: identify “I’m feeling overwhelmed” versus “You make me furious.”

  • To ask before assuming: “Is there something you need this week?” instead of bristling at silence.

  • To recreate connection: scheduling a monthly morning walk (no screens), rediscovering old shared passions (like music and hiking).

Six months in, they reported that communication felt easier, household routines aligned better, and even their son noted, “You’re laughing together again.” Intimacy returned—not on a grand romantic level at first, but quietly: a touch, a shared look, a feeling of being seen.

11. Final Thoughts: Therapy as Investment, Not Admission

For Generation X couples, couples therapy is not therapy for brokenness—it’s therapy for strength. It’s a tool to rediscover connection in an era where busyness, transitions, and responsibility can mask emotional intimacy.

We were taught to navigate storms alone. But the best partnerships happen when two people choose to navigate storms together—and therapy can show the way.

Taking that step—calling a therapist, scheduling a session, sharing uncertainty with your partner—is itself an act of courage. It says: we matter, our connection matters—and we’re willing to grow, together.

If nothing else, Generation X deserves not just to survive this phase of life—but to thrive in partnership, rediscover trust, re‑imagine intimacy, and shape a future together that’s more whole than lonely.

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Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry

Why Couples Argue: Understanding the Root Causes

Every couple experiences conflict, but why do couples argue in the first place? From minor disagreements to full-blown fights, arguments are an inevitable part of relationships. However, understanding the reasons behind these disputes can help couples navigate them more effectively. Whether you’re looking to strengthen your bond or simply better understand your partner, it's important to recognize that arguments often go beyond the surface level.

Here are some common reasons couples argue:

1. Poor Communication

Communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. But when it's lacking or misaligned, misunderstandings can easily arise. Couples often argue because they don't express themselves clearly, fail to listen, or make assumptions about each other's thoughts or intentions. These communication breakdowns can lead to frustration, feelings of not being understood, and, ultimately, conflict.

Tip: Make an effort to really listen to your partner and ask clarifying questions when needed. Ensure that your responses are thoughtful and respectful.

2. Unresolved Past Issues

Sometimes, arguments aren't about what's happening in the present but about unresolved issues from the past. When these emotions are left unaddressed, they can resurface during disagreements, escalating the situation. Old resentments, hurt feelings, or unhealed wounds can make simple issues feel much more significant.

Tip: It's important to confront past issues in a calm and respectful manner, seeking closure when necessary. Couples therapy can also provide a safe space for healing past hurts.

3. Different Expectations

Every person brings their own set of expectations to a relationship. Whether it's about finances, how to handle chores, or the level of emotional support needed, mismatched expectations can cause tension. One partner may expect more closeness, while the other values independence, or they might differ on how to raise children or spend their free time.

Tip: Take time to openly discuss your expectations and needs with your partner. Understanding each other’s values and priorities can reduce the potential for conflict.

4. Stress and External Pressures

When life outside the relationship becomes overwhelming—whether it’s work, family obligations, or financial concerns—stress can seep into the relationship. Under pressure, we may become more irritable, quick-tempered, or withdrawn. This can lead to arguments over trivial matters, as external stress amplifies our emotional responses.

Tip: Recognize when stress is affecting your relationship. Take breaks to decompress, and try to support each other during tough times. Sometimes, simply acknowledging the external pressures can create space for empathy.

5. Differing Conflict Styles

Not all people handle conflict the same way. Some may prefer to address issues head-on, while others might shut down or withdraw to avoid confrontation. These differences can cause friction when one person feels overwhelmed by the other’s approach or when there’s a mismatch in how conflict is managed.

Tip: Be open about how you prefer to handle disagreements, and try to find common ground. Acknowledge each other's emotional responses and work towards compromise rather than winning the argument.

6. Lack of Intimacy or Connection

Intimacy isn’t just about physical closeness; it’s also about emotional connection. When couples begin to feel distant or disconnected, frustration can build. Lack of quality time together or unaddressed emotional needs often lead to arguments, as one partner may feel neglected or unimportant.

Tip: Prioritize quality time together to nurture your emotional bond. Regular date nights, thoughtful gestures, and meaningful conversations can help keep intimacy strong.

7. Personality Differences

Every individual has a unique personality, shaped by experiences, values, and preferences. Sometimes, conflicts arise because partners simply have different ways of viewing the world or reacting to situations. 

Tip: Instead of viewing differences as a problem, try to embrace them as part of what makes each person unique. Finding compromise and understanding each other’s perspective can turn differences into strengths.  If you and your partner are having a hard time understanding each other’s perspectives, remember that in each situation, each argument, there are 2 subjective experiences.  Your partner's experience is right or wrong, your experience isn’t right or wrong.

8. Power Struggles

In any relationship, there's often an unspoken desire to feel heard, valued, and in control of certain aspects. When power dynamics shift or one partner feels dominated, arguments can result. Power struggles may arise around decision-making, finances, or even parenting.

Tip: Healthy relationships thrive on equality and mutual respect. Discuss your feelings openly and strive for fairness when making decisions together. A balanced approach can prevent unnecessary conflict.

9. Jealousy and Insecurity

Feelings of jealousy or insecurity, whether about a partner's interactions with others or fear of not being good enough, can stir conflict. These emotions often stem from a lack of trust or self-esteem, which can manifest as accusations or defensiveness.

Tip: Building trust and working on individual self-esteem can reduce feelings of jealousy. Open, honest communication about insecurities can also help strengthen your connection.

10. Routine and Complacency

When couples fall into a routine, it can sometimes lead to complacency. The excitement and passion that once characterized the relationship may fade, leaving one or both partners feeling bored or unfulfilled. This can cause frustration that leads to arguments, even if the root cause is simply a need for reinvention.

Tip: Keep the spark alive by introducing new experiences together, whether it’s through travel, hobbies, or deeper emotional exploration. Small changes can breathe fresh energy into the relationship.

Final Thoughts

Arguments in relationships are normal, but they don't have to be destructive. Understanding the underlying causes of conflict allows couples to address issues with empathy and respect. By fostering open communication, embracing differences, and working together as a team, you can turn arguments into opportunities for growth.

If you're finding it difficult to navigate recurring conflicts, couples therapy can provide valuable support. A couples therapist can help you improve communication, address past wounds, and strengthen your emotional connection.

Remember: every couple argues. What matters is how you handle it—and how you grow together from it.

It’s not too late to work on your relationship.  Reach out to a couples therapist today.  Finding a great therapist is as easy as Googling couples therapist near me or if you’re in California or Oregon, email: gwendolyn@gwendolynnelsonterry.com.

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Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry

How Are You?

How are you?

How are you really doing?

I’ve noticed for myself and for many of my client’s this transition back into the real world is a bit of a rough time.

Some client’s aren’t ready to return back to the office. Some are planning on continuing to wear their mask when the go out. Others are continuing to avoid eating in doors.

It’s not easy to decide what to do with all the conflicting information on Covid and rapid re-opening of California.

Even when you do go out, the social anxiety might start up, or you might feel like you are rusty with your conversation and small talk skills.

Know that it is OK to feel uncomfortable during this time. Know that it is OK to take it slow. Know that it’s OK to say “I’m not ready to (eat in restaurants, go to the gym, or whatever).

Eventually things will start to feel more normal.

In the mean time, here is a wonderful blog Esther Perel wrote about how to start a conversation: https://estherperel.com/blog/5-ways-to-start-conversations-with-confidence

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Couples Counseling, Feelings, Marriage Counseling, Relationship, Self Care, Stress, Tools Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry Couples Counseling, Feelings, Marriage Counseling, Relationship, Self Care, Stress, Tools Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry

How to be more present in your relationship

We all have a certain level of programming that we bring with us as we go through life and as we enter and are in relationships. This programming is partly made up by the experiences we had as children and comprise much of how our parents or primary caregivers treated us. From birth to around the age of 7 our brain is doing a lot of learning and changing. These early experiences with caregivers get solidified into our brain and they become the basis for our programming.

We all have a certain level of programming that we bring with us as we go through life and as we enter and are in relationships. This programming is partly made up by the experiences we had as children and comprise much of how our parents or primary caregivers treated us. From birth to around the age of 7 our brain is doing a lot of learning and changing. These early experiences with caregivers get solidified into our brain and they become the basis for our programming.

Programming can determine the type of student you were, the type of employee you are, how you feel at work and how you respond to emails. Many of my client’s identify as people pleasers and cite a long history of overworking in school and at work, struggling to say no or set boundaries. This is a programming.

Programming can also determine how you show up in a relationship, how you handle conflict with your partner, and how satisfying you find the relationship dynamics.

In order to change our programming, we need to become present and to notice the ways that we are showing up in our relationships and in the world.

An example of not being present in a relationship would be when you are early in the relationship, you are enjoying dating, have a lot of passion for one another, the sex is fantastic, and your mind is constantly focused on thoughts like “is he the one?”, “how much time should we date before we get married?”, “why hasn’t he asked me to marry him yet?”, “what if he cheats on me?”, “what if his parents don’t like me?”. Focusing on the future, rushing to the next step, fixating on the past, these are ways that we are not present to our relationship in the moment.

Sometimes we can get so wrapped up in these thoughts that we go on autopilot, going through the day, not present to any true part of our life. Cooking dinner, eating, cleaning up. Moving and going, checking things off of our to do lists, not really experiencing or connecting.

Becoming more present in our lives, in our relationships can be hard. It requires slowing down, intention, awareness.

The next time you are noticing yourself on autopilot, whether in your relationship or in some other area of your life, take a short pause (1-2 minutes). If you can and if you feel safe, close your eyes. If you can’t close your eyes then fix your gaze on something relaxing or neutral. Take a slow deep breath in, filling up the belly and chest. Repeat this a few times and try and become present in your body. Next, bring in your 5 senses. What do you hear in the room with you, what do you hear outside? What do you smell? How does your body feel in the places where it connects with the chair? Notice your thoughts. Can you observe them without judgement? Can you taste anything? What is that taste?

A practice to try when you are wrapped up in thoughts and noticing yourself worry about the future or focusing on the past is to state “right now” statements to yourself. Pick statements that you know to be true. Here are some examples: “right now I am happy in my relationship”, “right now everything is going great in my relationship and I am enjoying getting to know my new partner”, “right now I feel secure in my relationship”, “right now we are having a conflict but I know we will work on getting through this”, “right now I am feeling anxious, this is just a feeling”.

Right now statements can help you to ground into what you know to be true in this moment.

Are you struggling with being present in your relationship or in another part of your life? Therapy can help you with becoming more mindful and present and help you to reprogram the unhelpful patterns you’ve developed. When you do therapy with Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, virtual therapy in California and Berkeley, you will learn to develop the muscle of awareness so that you can start to identify your behavior and relational patterns that are keeping you from living the life you desire. By becoming more aware, you are then able to make choices in how you want to respond to feelings, thoughts, relationship dynamics and much more.

Email today to schedule your free 20 minute phone consultation.

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