How to be more present in your relationship

We all have a certain level of programming that we bring with us as we go through life and as we enter and are in relationships. This programming is partly made up by the experiences we had as children and comprise much of how our parents or primary caregivers treated us. From birth to around the age of 7 our brain is doing a lot of learning and changing. These early experiences with caregivers get solidified into our brain and they become the basis for our programming.

Programming can determine the type of student you were, the type of employee you are, how you feel at work and how you respond to emails. Many of my client’s identify as people pleasers and cite a long history of overworking in school and at work, struggling to say no or set boundaries. This is a programming.

Programming can also determine how you show up in a relationship, how you handle conflict with your partner, and how satisfying you find the relationship dynamics.

In order to change our programming, we need to become present and to notice the ways that we are showing up in our relationships and in the world.

An example of not being present in a relationship would be when you are early in the relationship, you are enjoying dating, have a lot of passion for one another, the sex is fantastic, and your mind is constantly focused on thoughts like “is he the one?”, “how much time should we date before we get married?”, “why hasn’t he asked me to marry him yet?”, “what if he cheats on me?”, “what if his parents don’t like me?”. Focusing on the future, rushing to the next step, fixating on the past, these are ways that we are not present to our relationship in the moment.

Sometimes we can get so wrapped up in these thoughts that we go on autopilot, going through the day, not present to any true part of our life. Cooking dinner, eating, cleaning up. Moving and going, checking things off of our to do lists, not really experiencing or connecting.

Becoming more present in our lives, in our relationships can be hard. It requires slowing down, intention, awareness.

The next time you are noticing yourself on autopilot, whether in your relationship or in some other area of your life, take a short pause (1-2 minutes). If you can and if you feel safe, close your eyes. If you can’t close your eyes then fix your gaze on something relaxing or neutral. Take a slow deep breath in, filling up the belly and chest. Repeat this a few times and try and become present in your body. Next, bring in your 5 senses. What do you hear in the room with you, what do you hear outside? What do you smell? How does your body feel in the places where it connects with the chair? Notice your thoughts. Can you observe them without judgement? Can you taste anything? What is that taste?

A practice to try when you are wrapped up in thoughts and noticing yourself worry about the future or focusing on the past is to state “right now” statements to yourself. Pick statements that you know to be true. Here are some examples: “right now I am happy in my relationship”, “right now everything is going great in my relationship and I am enjoying getting to know my new partner”, “right now I feel secure in my relationship”, “right now we are having a conflict but I know we will work on getting through this”, “right now I am feeling anxious, this is just a feeling”.

Right now statements can help you to ground into what you know to be true in this moment.

Are you struggling with being present in your relationship or in another part of your life? Therapy can help you with becoming more mindful and present and help you to reprogram the unhelpful patterns you’ve developed. When you do therapy with Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, virtual therapy in California and Berkeley, you will learn to develop the muscle of awareness so that you can start to identify your behavior and relational patterns that are keeping you from living the life you desire. By becoming more aware, you are then able to make choices in how you want to respond to feelings, thoughts, relationship dynamics and much more.

Email today to schedule your free 20 minute phone consultation.

The Number One Reason Couple's Fail in Couple's Therapy

When things aren’t working in a relationship it is easy to see how our partner has hurt us. Our focus is turned outward, noticing all the ways in which our partner’s haven’t shown up for us, haven’t expressed care, have let us down or been difficult or started fights with us. It’s easy to see how the other person is doing all the wrong things. We can start to have thoughts like “If only they would stop being so sensitive”, “If only they could focus on my emotions more”, “They don’t care for me, they can’t even sit and listen to me”. The narrative and pain is all abut what the other person did to us.

During the individual assessment session (Click Here to Read More About That) I sometimes hear “I need you to fix ___ about my partner” or “I need you to tell them to stop ____”. When I hear these types of statements it’s a sign to me that in order for the couple to do the real work of couples therapy, at least one of the partners needs to open up to exploring their role in the problematic relationship dynamics.

Couples therapy works under the the assumption that the couple is a system and that the system isn’t functioning well. It’s not one person who is at fault, it’s how the couple interacts, how they work together, that is at fault. This can be a hard concept for some people to understand because they’ve been in pain for so long that their brain has started to wire itself to the story “my partner is to blame”.

Couple’s where one or both partners lack the ability to do self exploration AND they aren’t open to exploring how they may have contributed to the relationship problem are doomed to fail. The inability or unwillingness to open up and look at your own behaviors creates an unequal dynamic in the relationship, where one person is placed in the position of carrying the greater effort of doing the work. When these dynamics have played out in my couples therapy practice, I see the person being blamed eventually burning out and becoming resentful. Feeling like their efforts are never good enough, that the other person can’t be satisfied, they began to disengage from the work and neither partner puts in the effort.

As you are reading this I’m sure you are thinking of some scenarios where one person is absolutely to blame for the couples unhappiness. For example, affairs. It seems easy to say that the person that cheated is the cause of the relationship problems. The person who cheated made a choice that is harmful to the relationship and they should make amends for that decision. However, the decision to cheat came from dysfunction that was already present in the relationship. To learn more about how this principle applies to affair recovery (click here)

Couples who start therapy with the inability to self reflect on their role in the relationship unhappiness are not doomed. This is a skill that can be learned. Many couples start couples therapy in this fame of mind but with some support and guidance, they are able to start to see how their actions contribute to the problem.

To start working on building this skill try asking yourself the following questions after a conflict: why was my partner upset? Did I do anything that caused them to be upset or contributed to them being upset? Did my actions or words cause the conflict to get worse? Is there anything I could have done to de-escalate the problem?

When you do couples therapy with me, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Berkeley, California, you will go through a thorough assessment before even starting the work. This assessment helps me to be able to identify some of the stuck points that you and your partner might be facing, such as mindset. With this information, I am able to craft a plan to support you and your partner in starting to do the work of healing problematic relationship dynamics.

It is possible to have the relationship of your dreams, to heal your pain, and to grow as an individual in the relationship as well as to grow as a couple. Email today to set up a time to talk about how therapy may be able to help you and your partner heal your relationship.

3 Types of Conflict Attitudes

In my work as a marriage and family therapist I’ve found that there are 3 distinct types of conflict attitudes. There is the conflict comfortable (aka conflict neutral), conflict avoidant, and people who seem to seek out and relish conflict.

Most of my client’s describe themselves as being conflict avoidant. When issues come up in their relationship, at work, with family or friends, they look the other way. People who are conflict avoidant may even feel that they are afraid of conflict, seeing it as uncontrollable, something with no resolution or positive outcome for them. People who are conflict avoidant often live by the belief that if they don’t bring up an issue, then it will just go away. The problem is, issues seldom go away unless they are dealt with. In conflict they can withdraw, stonewall, or become dissociated. At times, when in conflict they can become very angry, lashing out, saying things they don’t mean, and at times become verbally attacking of their partners.

Conflict seekers seem to enjoy the rush of adrenaline they receive when in conflict. They can push their partners buttons, not respect boundaries, look for things to get angry about. Often times the conflict seekers are reactive to their emotions, going for 0-100 in a couple of seconds. In relationships, conflict seekers can push their partner away, seeming to have a never ending list of complaints or needs that their partner is able to meet. Conflict seekers tend to have a hard time with self soothing and regulating emotions. This can be problematic when they are trying to resolve a conflict with their partner as their partner feels that they are consistently met with resistance.

Conflict neutral people are comfortable with conflict. Conflict isn’t good or bad, it’s just a necessary part of being in relationship with others. Conflict neutral people tend to have a good understanding of their emotions, good at self soothing and regulating their emotions, and often times are good communicators. The conflict neutral people are comfortable listening to their partners emotions and needs, and they themselves are comfortable stating their emotions and needs. Conflict neutral people often times report that they have success resolving conflict with others.

Do you see yourself in any of the above listed conflict attitudes? Which one stands out most to you? Is it helpful or hurtful in your relationship? What about your partner, what is their conflict attitude? What have you noticed about their conflict attitude and how it either helps or hurts you two when you are in conflict?

If you are struggling in conflict in your relationship, couples therapy may be able to help.

When doing therapy with Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT, a trained couples therapist, you will be guided through the process of identifying your conflict patterns, gain insight into how those patterns either help or hurt your relationship and you’ll learn new ways of communicating and relating to one another.

If your partner doesn’t want to attend couples therapy, no problem. You can gain a lot of skills working one on one with a therapist that may help resolve your relationship problems. Often times once our partners see us making changes, they become motivated to join in on the change process.

Call today to schedule a free 20 minute phone consultation to find out how therapy may be able to help you improve your relationship.

A Fun, Quick Exercise For Couples To Help You Show Each Other Love

When a couple starts counseling they often are in a state of Negative Sentiment Override. If you aren’t familiar with Negative Sentiment Override, think of it like a lens in which all the things your partner does, or all the things you do, get filtered through this lens that you or your partner is always wearing. This lens takes all the things you do, words you say, and mixes it up so that your partner (or you) take it in as something negative or hurtful that your partner is doing or that you are doing. It’s like a set of glasses that makes your partner look like a total, dysfunctional, jerk.

Negative Sentiment Override can be fixed. Couples therapy can help you take off that really awful pair of glasses and start to help you see your partner (or help your partner see you) as they really are.

One way that Gottman helps couples to work through Negative Sentiment Override is by having couples thinking of their interactions with one another as bank accounts. When we do nice things for our partner, that goes into a bank account. When we say nice things to our partners, that goes into a bank account. When we have a huge fight or misunderstanding with our partners, that’s a withdraw from the account. The more deposits we have, the more likely we are to see our partner as being our friend, someone we care about, our team member.

One activity that I often assign for couples therapy homework is to take the Love Languages Quiz. The author of the 5 Love Languages took all the ways that people show love to one another and categorized this behavior into 5 types of love. For example, gift giving and words of affirmation are types of Love Languages.

I have couples take the Love Language Quiz to learn the ways that they best receive love and the ways that their partner best receives love. Knowing this information helps you to put the effort where the money is (think back to that Gottman Love Bank Account I shared above).

Once you take the Love Languages Quiz, share the results with your partner and have your partner share their results with you.

Next, using the information you got on your quiz, create a list of 5-10 things that your partner could do that would help you to feel loved by your partner.

Some examples are:

Words of Affirmation: Say “I love you” before we go to bed, tell me when I look nice, Say “thank you” when I’ve done something around the house.

Gift Giving: Pick up my favorite dessert from the grocery store, research and buy new comfy slippers for me since I live in slippers through work from home.

Acts of Service: Do the dishes, clean the cat box, pick up around the house.

Quality Time: Watch my favorite TV show with me once a week, go for a walk with me.

Physical Touch: Hold my hand when we go for a walk, give me a kiss before you leave, give me a hug a couple of times a day.

The actions that you put on your list should be a mix of items that take 2 minutes or less and bigger items that your partner may have to put in more effort on. Try and make at least 1/2 your list items that take 2 minutes or less.

Once the list is made by you and one by your partner, post the lists on the fridge or some other place that you and your partner frequently look at.

Now the challenging part of this exercise - do one item off of your partners list, each day. You can do the same item a couple of days in a row, or you can mix it up.

By structuring affection, couples learn to be more mindful of the ways in which they show love and attention to one another. Couples are often surprised by how little they show one another.

Valentine's Day Every Day: A Blog Post On Building Gratitude In Your Relationship

I’ve never really been one for Valentine’s Day. It always struck me as odd that we would save all of our appreciations for one day out of the year. I don’t know about you but in my relationship, I want to feel like most days are like Valentine’s Day.

In my therapy practice, both with couples and individuals, I do a lot of work on setting reasonable expectations. It seems to me that the expectations are not reasonable for Valentine’s Day. It’s built up to be this amazing day, full of flowers, chocolate, an amazing date, and unfiltered words of affirmation for the entire day. Perhaps a more reasonable expectation for the day is a hug from your loved one, a sweet gesture such as you doing the dishes, them returning the gesture, then some purposeful time together (whatever that looks like for your relationship).

One thing that Covid has made abundantly clear is that we don’t know what the next moment holds, we can’t take things or people for granted and that their are many, many unknowns out there. Knowing how precious each moment is, knowing how important our relationships are, every day we should should be striving for gratitude in those relationships; mom, sister, partner, friends, daughters, sons, all relationships.

One way we can work on building up that gratitude, strengthening the muscle of not taking people for granted is through a modified gratitude practice. For the week, choose one relationship - doesn’t matter who it is. Each day, before bed think of 3 things about that person that you are grateful for. It can be an action they performed, words they said, the way they looked at you, a joke they told, a hug they gave, how they look in their PJ’s. Think of 3 things about that person that you are grateful for. Challenge yourself to come up with 3 unique things every day for one week. Sometimes the gratitude with repeat itself, try not to get hung up on that. At the end of the week, share that list with your partner or whom ever you chose for this practice.

How did it feel to focus on why you are grateful for that person?

How did they respond when you shared your list?

Did you notice any changes in the relationship since starting this gratitude practice?

Have you noticed any changes in yourself?

While not a Gottman strategy, it does touch upon a Gottman skill and a level of the Sound Relationship House. By focusing on your gratitude, carving out moments to be purposefully grateful, you are strengthening the level of the House called fondness and admiration. You are also working on undoing any negative sentiment override you and your relationship might be experiencing. Negative sentiment override is when we have too many negative experiences in our relationship, our brain starts to get wired to see and notice only the negative. By focusing on the good, our eyes open more to the positives in our relationship.

Every day can be Valentine’s Day when you are working on being more present, mindful, attuned to the relationship, and grateful for what your partner (or any loved one) brings to your life.