Why We Stay Stuck & How to Get Unstuck

“Change involves a surprising amount of loss, the familiar” - Lori Gottlieb

How is fear of change keeping you from moving forward in your life? How is it keeping you from creating the life you want? How is fear of change keeping you from achieving life goals? How is it holding you back from happiness?

A client I worked with a number of years back used to talk about changing jobs, sharing a desire to try a new field. Having worked in a mostly business environment their desire for a creative outlet was intense. They wanted to explore careers in the beauty industry, music, and teaching. However when it came time for us to talk about what was holding them back, why they weren’t able to try and take steps towards this change, they would often respond with “what if I hate it?”. A valid and reasonable concern. When we would talk about ways to answer that question, to try things out, to explore possibilities, they would come back week after week saying that they hadn’t done their therapy homework, hadn’t done the research, hadn’t looked at any possible jobs. The fear of change was so strong in them that they couldn’t even allow themselves to dream, or to even gather information about what was possible.

The reality was that for this client, changing jobs was a risk. When we pulled back the layers to look at what was holding them back they were able to see that they were afraid of getting into the new job and hating it, being bad at the new job, having to learn a new job to do, meeting new colleagues (what if I don’t like them or they’re annoying), the new commute, and much more. Rather than seeing the possibility with change, they saw all the changes that they would be making and immediately saw them as problems. With the “what if” game it often goes to worst case scenario. We can switch that thought around though and see possibilities. What if this client changed jobs and loved it, what if she was great at it and found her calling? What if the commute was shorter and allowed her more free time to pursue her passions? What if she found a new best friend in one of her colleagues?

My question to you - what is the familiar to you? What is it that you are trying to hold on to? Is the risk greater to stick with what you know, or try something new?

Not sure how you feel about the change you are looking at? Try this - write down the story you are currently telling yourself about change or lack there of. What do you notice about that story? Is there another way you can tell that story?

Are you facing a big change? Not sure how to navigate it or having some big feelings about the change? I, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Berkeley California, often help people navigate the challenges that come with change. Some of the ways we might support you in navigating change are to first create more awareness around the habits or life circumstance you’d like to change. We might explore some of the patterns that you feel stuck in and help you identify the ways in which your choices may be keeping you stuck in feeling unhappy. Along with exploring choices, therapy can help you to better understand your values, your emotions, and what it is you really want. With clarity, an understanding of emotions, and with a better understanding of yourself, you can start to feel more confident, feel better about yourself. Call today to learn more about how therapy might help you to start feeling better.

The Number One Reason Couple's Fail in Couple's Therapy

When things aren’t working in a relationship it is easy to see how our partner has hurt us. Our focus is turned outward, noticing all the ways in which our partner’s haven’t shown up for us, haven’t expressed care, have let us down or been difficult or started fights with us. It’s easy to see how the other person is doing all the wrong things. We can start to have thoughts like “If only they would stop being so sensitive”, “If only they could focus on my emotions more”, “They don’t care for me, they can’t even sit and listen to me”. The narrative and pain is all abut what the other person did to us.

During the individual assessment session (Click Here to Read More About That) I sometimes hear “I need you to fix ___ about my partner” or “I need you to tell them to stop ____”. When I hear these types of statements it’s a sign to me that in order for the couple to do the real work of couples therapy, at least one of the partners needs to open up to exploring their role in the problematic relationship dynamics.

Couples therapy works under the the assumption that the couple is a system and that the system isn’t functioning well. It’s not one person who is at fault, it’s how the couple interacts, how they work together, that is at fault. This can be a hard concept for some people to understand because they’ve been in pain for so long that their brain has started to wire itself to the story “my partner is to blame”.

Couple’s where one or both partners lack the ability to do self exploration AND they aren’t open to exploring how they may have contributed to the relationship problem are doomed to fail. The inability or unwillingness to open up and look at your own behaviors creates an unequal dynamic in the relationship, where one person is placed in the position of carrying the greater effort of doing the work. When these dynamics have played out in my couples therapy practice, I see the person being blamed eventually burning out and becoming resentful. Feeling like their efforts are never good enough, that the other person can’t be satisfied, they began to disengage from the work and neither partner puts in the effort.

As you are reading this I’m sure you are thinking of some scenarios where one person is absolutely to blame for the couples unhappiness. For example, affairs. It seems easy to say that the person that cheated is the cause of the relationship problems. The person who cheated made a choice that is harmful to the relationship and they should make amends for that decision. However, the decision to cheat came from dysfunction that was already present in the relationship. To learn more about how this principle applies to affair recovery (click here)

Couples who start therapy with the inability to self reflect on their role in the relationship unhappiness are not doomed. This is a skill that can be learned. Many couples start couples therapy in this fame of mind but with some support and guidance, they are able to start to see how their actions contribute to the problem.

To start working on building this skill try asking yourself the following questions after a conflict: why was my partner upset? Did I do anything that caused them to be upset or contributed to them being upset? Did my actions or words cause the conflict to get worse? Is there anything I could have done to de-escalate the problem?

When you do couples therapy with me, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Berkeley, California, you will go through a thorough assessment before even starting the work. This assessment helps me to be able to identify some of the stuck points that you and your partner might be facing, such as mindset. With this information, I am able to craft a plan to support you and your partner in starting to do the work of healing problematic relationship dynamics.

It is possible to have the relationship of your dreams, to heal your pain, and to grow as an individual in the relationship as well as to grow as a couple. Email today to set up a time to talk about how therapy may be able to help you and your partner heal your relationship.

3 Types of Conflict Attitudes

In my work as a marriage and family therapist I’ve found that there are 3 distinct types of conflict attitudes. There is the conflict comfortable (aka conflict neutral), conflict avoidant, and people who seem to seek out and relish conflict.

Most of my client’s describe themselves as being conflict avoidant. When issues come up in their relationship, at work, with family or friends, they look the other way. People who are conflict avoidant may even feel that they are afraid of conflict, seeing it as uncontrollable, something with no resolution or positive outcome for them. People who are conflict avoidant often live by the belief that if they don’t bring up an issue, then it will just go away. The problem is, issues seldom go away unless they are dealt with. In conflict they can withdraw, stonewall, or become dissociated. At times, when in conflict they can become very angry, lashing out, saying things they don’t mean, and at times become verbally attacking of their partners.

Conflict seekers seem to enjoy the rush of adrenaline they receive when in conflict. They can push their partners buttons, not respect boundaries, look for things to get angry about. Often times the conflict seekers are reactive to their emotions, going for 0-100 in a couple of seconds. In relationships, conflict seekers can push their partner away, seeming to have a never ending list of complaints or needs that their partner is able to meet. Conflict seekers tend to have a hard time with self soothing and regulating emotions. This can be problematic when they are trying to resolve a conflict with their partner as their partner feels that they are consistently met with resistance.

Conflict neutral people are comfortable with conflict. Conflict isn’t good or bad, it’s just a necessary part of being in relationship with others. Conflict neutral people tend to have a good understanding of their emotions, good at self soothing and regulating their emotions, and often times are good communicators. The conflict neutral people are comfortable listening to their partners emotions and needs, and they themselves are comfortable stating their emotions and needs. Conflict neutral people often times report that they have success resolving conflict with others.

Do you see yourself in any of the above listed conflict attitudes? Which one stands out most to you? Is it helpful or hurtful in your relationship? What about your partner, what is their conflict attitude? What have you noticed about their conflict attitude and how it either helps or hurts you two when you are in conflict?

If you are struggling in conflict in your relationship, couples therapy may be able to help.

When doing therapy with Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT, a trained couples therapist, you will be guided through the process of identifying your conflict patterns, gain insight into how those patterns either help or hurt your relationship and you’ll learn new ways of communicating and relating to one another.

If your partner doesn’t want to attend couples therapy, no problem. You can gain a lot of skills working one on one with a therapist that may help resolve your relationship problems. Often times once our partners see us making changes, they become motivated to join in on the change process.

Call today to schedule a free 20 minute phone consultation to find out how therapy may be able to help you improve your relationship.

A Fun, Quick Exercise For Couples To Help You Show Each Other Love

When a couple starts counseling they often are in a state of Negative Sentiment Override. If you aren’t familiar with Negative Sentiment Override, think of it like a lens in which all the things your partner does, or all the things you do, get filtered through this lens that you or your partner is always wearing. This lens takes all the things you do, words you say, and mixes it up so that your partner (or you) take it in as something negative or hurtful that your partner is doing or that you are doing. It’s like a set of glasses that makes your partner look like a total, dysfunctional, jerk.

Negative Sentiment Override can be fixed. Couples therapy can help you take off that really awful pair of glasses and start to help you see your partner (or help your partner see you) as they really are.

One way that Gottman helps couples to work through Negative Sentiment Override is by having couples thinking of their interactions with one another as bank accounts. When we do nice things for our partner, that goes into a bank account. When we say nice things to our partners, that goes into a bank account. When we have a huge fight or misunderstanding with our partners, that’s a withdraw from the account. The more deposits we have, the more likely we are to see our partner as being our friend, someone we care about, our team member.

One activity that I often assign for couples therapy homework is to take the Love Languages Quiz. The author of the 5 Love Languages took all the ways that people show love to one another and categorized this behavior into 5 types of love. For example, gift giving and words of affirmation are types of Love Languages.

I have couples take the Love Language Quiz to learn the ways that they best receive love and the ways that their partner best receives love. Knowing this information helps you to put the effort where the money is (think back to that Gottman Love Bank Account I shared above).

Once you take the Love Languages Quiz, share the results with your partner and have your partner share their results with you.

Next, using the information you got on your quiz, create a list of 5-10 things that your partner could do that would help you to feel loved by your partner.

Some examples are:

Words of Affirmation: Say “I love you” before we go to bed, tell me when I look nice, Say “thank you” when I’ve done something around the house.

Gift Giving: Pick up my favorite dessert from the grocery store, research and buy new comfy slippers for me since I live in slippers through work from home.

Acts of Service: Do the dishes, clean the cat box, pick up around the house.

Quality Time: Watch my favorite TV show with me once a week, go for a walk with me.

Physical Touch: Hold my hand when we go for a walk, give me a kiss before you leave, give me a hug a couple of times a day.

The actions that you put on your list should be a mix of items that take 2 minutes or less and bigger items that your partner may have to put in more effort on. Try and make at least 1/2 your list items that take 2 minutes or less.

Once the list is made by you and one by your partner, post the lists on the fridge or some other place that you and your partner frequently look at.

Now the challenging part of this exercise - do one item off of your partners list, each day. You can do the same item a couple of days in a row, or you can mix it up.

By structuring affection, couples learn to be more mindful of the ways in which they show love and attention to one another. Couples are often surprised by how little they show one another.

Valentine's Day Every Day: A Blog Post On Building Gratitude In Your Relationship

I’ve never really been one for Valentine’s Day. It always struck me as odd that we would save all of our appreciations for one day out of the year. I don’t know about you but in my relationship, I want to feel like most days are like Valentine’s Day.

In my therapy practice, both with couples and individuals, I do a lot of work on setting reasonable expectations. It seems to me that the expectations are not reasonable for Valentine’s Day. It’s built up to be this amazing day, full of flowers, chocolate, an amazing date, and unfiltered words of affirmation for the entire day. Perhaps a more reasonable expectation for the day is a hug from your loved one, a sweet gesture such as you doing the dishes, them returning the gesture, then some purposeful time together (whatever that looks like for your relationship).

One thing that Covid has made abundantly clear is that we don’t know what the next moment holds, we can’t take things or people for granted and that their are many, many unknowns out there. Knowing how precious each moment is, knowing how important our relationships are, every day we should should be striving for gratitude in those relationships; mom, sister, partner, friends, daughters, sons, all relationships.

One way we can work on building up that gratitude, strengthening the muscle of not taking people for granted is through a modified gratitude practice. For the week, choose one relationship - doesn’t matter who it is. Each day, before bed think of 3 things about that person that you are grateful for. It can be an action they performed, words they said, the way they looked at you, a joke they told, a hug they gave, how they look in their PJ’s. Think of 3 things about that person that you are grateful for. Challenge yourself to come up with 3 unique things every day for one week. Sometimes the gratitude with repeat itself, try not to get hung up on that. At the end of the week, share that list with your partner or whom ever you chose for this practice.

How did it feel to focus on why you are grateful for that person?

How did they respond when you shared your list?

Did you notice any changes in the relationship since starting this gratitude practice?

Have you noticed any changes in yourself?

While not a Gottman strategy, it does touch upon a Gottman skill and a level of the Sound Relationship House. By focusing on your gratitude, carving out moments to be purposefully grateful, you are strengthening the level of the House called fondness and admiration. You are also working on undoing any negative sentiment override you and your relationship might be experiencing. Negative sentiment override is when we have too many negative experiences in our relationship, our brain starts to get wired to see and notice only the negative. By focusing on the good, our eyes open more to the positives in our relationship.

Every day can be Valentine’s Day when you are working on being more present, mindful, attuned to the relationship, and grateful for what your partner (or any loved one) brings to your life.