What Feelings Am I Having?

Before you can address an uncomfortable feeling you need to first be able to label the feeling that you are having.  Our bodies and our brains communicate our feelings to us in many ways. People are often surprised to learn that their body is screaming their feelings at them, communicating in ways such as back problems and stomach aches.  There is no magic formula to identifying and labeling feelings. Everyone’s body is different and everyone’s body communicates to them in different ways. It’s important for you to learn the ways that your body communicates to you.

One way to start learning about how your body communicates uncomfortable feelings to you is by doing a body scan.  A body scan is basically taking notice of your body and the ways that your body is signaling feelings to you.

To do a body scan you would close your eyes and start by just focusing on your breath.  Breathe in and out, noticing the sensation of your stomach as your breathe in and breathe out.  Once you feel relaxed and focused you can start at the top of your head and slowly scan downward just noticing the different sensations in your body.  

- Do you notice pressure at the top of your head?  

- Are you tense in your neck or shoulders?  

- How does your heart feel?  Is it racing, is it beating slowly?  

- Is your gut communicating anything to you?  

- What about your back?  

- Keep moving down the body, observing and noticing the ways that your body is communicating to you.

The first few times that you do this exercise you might not be able to label your emotions or understand the ways in which your body is communicating your feelings to you.  That’s OK - with time and practice you will start to be able to understand and notice the ways that your feelings show up.

Set an alarm on your phone to go off one time a day for the next 7 days.  Use this alarm as a reminder to do a body scan and see if you can start to notice any feelings or messages that your body is sending you.

Feelings: Good or Bad?

You may have noticed throughout my blog and website that I refer to feelings as uncomfortable and comfortable.  That’s because we therapists believe that feelings are neither good or bad, they just are. An uncomfortable feeling might be sadness, anger or anxiety.  A comfortable feeling might be joy or happiness. Noticing the ways that feelings show up in your body can help you decipher if they are comfortable or uncomfortable.

Frequently when a person experiences many uncomfortable feelings they start to develop defenses to those feelings or they start to look for ways to numb those feelings.  Some common defenses to feelings are; overworking, drinking, avoiding, and sometimes even anxiety can be a defense.

Learning to work through our defenses and to experience the core emotions below our feelings is a key step in being able to work through uncomfortable feelings and in being able to let them go.  Finding a way to access your feelings and to sit with those uncomfortable feelings is important.

This week, as your homework, think about some of the defenses that you might have developed over time that keep you from being able to experience your core emotions.

An Assignment

I work primarily with women in my practice.  Some are moms, some are working professionals, some are college students, some are all three at the same time.  No matter who this woman is, where she comes from, or why she is doing therapy with me there is always one thing that these women have in common, all of these women feel the need to justify taking care of themselves.  I’m not talking about basic care like take a shower and do your laundry kind of care. I’m talking about taking care of basic things like sleep, alone time, exercise, saying no to that extra assignment at work, taking a lunch break.  I meet with woman after woman who expresses “I just don’t have enough time”, “I eat at my desk”, “I can’t remember the last time I just sat outside and enjoyed the sun on my face”. I can’t help but wonder, why is it so hard for us, as women, to take care of ourselves.  Not only is it hard for us, we feel like we have to justify it when we do with statements like “I didn’t have breakfast, that’s why I had to have lunch”.

Because I care about you and because I want for you to feel that you have the excuse and permission to take care of yourself I am giving you an assignment.  Here is your assignment:

Find a quiet spot where you feel comfortable to close your eyes for just a breath or two.  Take a deep breath in, release that breath. Keep your eyes shut while you place your hand on your tummy.  Breathe in again and notice your hand rise and fall as you breath in and release your air. Now I want for you to ask yourself; what do I really need?  What is my body, my mind craving? Now without judgement, do whatever it is that came to mind. Don’t give yourself time to overanalyze, don’t think about it, just do it.  Maybe what came up for you is that you want some alone time with your partner. Maybe you need some sleep. Maybe you need some relaxation. Below are some ideas of ways to take care of yourself.

• Bubble Bath

• Massage - Maybe take turns with your partner, giving and receiving massages

• Alone Time - Ask your partner to take the kids out of the house for a few hours

• Sleep

• Manicure/Pedicure

• Chocolate - Don’t go cheap on yourself, treat yourself to your favorite chocolate or dessert

• Buy Yourself Flowers and Make an Incredible Arrangement

• Join that exercise class you’ve been wanting to check out

• Ask a friend to pick your kids up from school for the day

• Go to the movies

• Take a lunch break

• Say no to that extra assignment at work

If you are feeling guilty about taking time for yourself you can strike a deal with your partner to reciprocate and provide him with a chance to spend some time doing what he loves.

Your Relationship After Baby

Even the best of couples can feel off in their relationship after a baby arrives.  Exhaustion has set in, routines have changed, and you are in the midst of renegotiating household responsibilities.  As the kids get older it can continue to feel as if you and your partner are no longer spending time together, connecting, taking time to be a couple.  

John Gottman is a researcher who has studied couples and is considered a leading resource for couples therapists.  One tool that Gottman suggests to get a couple back on track is the use of a Love Map.  A Love Map, simply put, is a way to get to know the small things in your husband or wife’s life.  Asking questions such as “who do you like to go to lunch with at work?” and “what do you worry about?” can help to build a better understanding of your partners world.

You may think you know the answers to many of these questions and perhaps you do but I’m guessing some of the answers have changed over time.  Just as our world is constantly evolving - think back to when you had your baby and the changes you experienced with your friendship circle, thoughts and way of feeling.  Heck, even how you experienced going to the grocery store changed.  It might be surprising to learn that our partners also underwent a change too.  Even if your kids are grown and gone or you are just starting a new relationship, asking questions about your partner is a great way to build what Gottman refers to as a “solid foundation” for your relationship.

This week I encourage you to ask questions about your partner's life, likes and dislikes.  Learn what is currently making them tick, take an interest in their work, ask questions, ask about their experiences during the day.

You can start building a Love Map by asking your partner questions such as “What’s my favorite place to eat lunch?” or ask your partner questions like “Where do you like to go out for lunch when you’re at work?”  Here are some additional questions to get you started on building your Love Map.

If you could take a vacation anywhere, where would you go?

What is your favorite vacation we took and why?

What’s your favorite restaurant?

What’s your most embarrassing moment?

What’s the best book you’ve read in the past year?

What is your proudest moment?

As your partner shares listen without judgement, ask questions, be curious and have fun.

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Vacaville, Pollock Pines and Sacramento.  Providing online counseling for women and couples - serving all areas of California.

Morning Routines - Tips for Busy Moms

This week I thought we’d focus on morning routines.  Morning routines can look a little less sexy than evening routines.  Having kids often means we wake up and are in go mode until the kids get to school.  Finding shoes, finishing homework, making sure everyone has their lunch, ate breakfast, and is clear on who goes to what activity after school can be a bit of a juggling act.  

So what can you do to make mornings a little less daunting?   

Plan ahead.  Lunches can be made the evening before or you can even make lunches on Sunday to last the whole week.  Struggling to get the lunches made; get the kids to help or set your child up for school lunches.  No need to feel guilt or shame, school lunches may have improved since you were a kid AND your child having hot lunch is not a statement of the kind of mom you are.  If taking the chore of making lunch off your list allows you to spend more stress free time with your children then go for it.  Positive time spent with your child will have a greater impact on their happiness and well being than compared to packing a nutritionally sound lunch.

Plan ahead.  Create a chart, tack up some poster board, get a white board and write out the after school plans and activities for the week.  This will help you to remember who goes where and when, give your children some accountability and responsibility, and help your partner to feel more connected and part of the activity.  Who knows, your partner may even see something on the schedule and offer to help out.  

Got a needy love bug in the morning?  Take a moment to check in with your child.  Sometimes nighttime can feel lonely and it can be a challenge for young children to get through the night.  Checking in with little ones and giving a morning snuggle can help to set the right mood and tone for the morning.

Get up earlier.  You’re probably thinking I’m crazy for even suggesting this but if you get up at least 10 minutes earlier you are giving yourself a cushion to deal with problems that may come up such as lost shoes.  If you are feeling really ambitious you can get up 30-45 minutes early and squeeze in some quiet time for yourself.  Taking 15 minutes to drink a cup of coffee before you wake up your family can make a world of difference in your day.

Set an intention for the day before you get out of bed.  Think of what you want to focus on, what’s really important.  Maybe choose one or two feeling words that you want to guide you through the day such as calm and accomplished.  When stressful situations come up or when you find yourself feeling worn out you can go back to the intention you set for the day and make decisions focused on how you want to feel and be.  

Making small changes daily can make a huge impact over time.  Think about one thing you might like to change about your morning routine.  Maybe it's fitting in 10 minutes for yourself before the kids get up or maybe it's packing lunches before bed.  Allow for the fact that change is not immediate and takes practice and patience.  If you fail at implementing one of the strategies listed above or it doesn’t have the impact you hoped for, no worries.  There's always tomorrow to try something new.

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT - Providing online counseling for women.  Located in Vacaville, California - serving all areas of California.