Tips for Talking to your Therapist

This week I am posting a link to a blog I was featured in on Thriveworks.  The blog normalizes some of the discomfort of starting therapy, sharing your story, and opening up to your therapist.  Towards the end of the blog are some tips I provide on how to prepare for your session and how to open up to your therapist.  I hope you find the information useful.

Here is a link to the blog http://thriveworks.com/blog/tips-open-honest-counselor/

If you have any questions or are curious about the therapy process, feel free to send me an email.  I love hearing from readers.  

Are you ready to start making some changes in your life?  Are you ready to start working on your happiness?  If so, I am opening a few extra slots to take on some new clients.  Call 619-383-1900 to schedule your session today or go to www.GwendolynNelsonTerry.com to find out more information about how therapy might be able to help you.

3 Signs you might be an anxious mom

As moms we are prone to worrying about our babies, that’s part of the job.  Are they doing well in school? Are they happy? Do they have friends? Are they being safe when the go out?  Worrying about your child is normal but there is a point where the worrying can become too much.

So how do you know when you’ve crossed the line from normal, everyday mom worry to being an anxious mom?  Here are 3 signs that you might be a mom who has anxiety.

1. You worry an abnormal amount about your own death and who will take care of your children if/when you die.  Granted we can’t control what happens to us and if we are going to die but if you find yourself overly fixated on it, convinced that at some point you are going to orphan your children, this might be a sign of anxiety.

2. You won’t let anyone, not even your partner, help with the kids.  This can be anything from helping to make the school lunches, picking the kids up after school, buying the new soccer cleats, teaching them to drive.  Letting someone else helps means that you won’t get to oversee it and make sure whatever it is, isn’t done properly. If things are not done “right” then the question comes up for you “What does this mean for my child?”, “Am I a bad parent?”, “Are people going to think I’m a bad mom?”  

3. Saying goodbye is more distressing for you then it is for your child.  No matter what age they are, you worry when they leave the house or when you drop them off at school.  You struggle with scary thoughts or images about their safety and you call the cell phone or text them frequently to check in on them.

If any of this sounds familiar, you may be an anxious mom.  

To find out more about therapy and to learn more about how therapy may help you with anxiety, check my therapy page for moms or my FAQ page.

Being a parent does mean that you have to struggle with anxiety and worry.  When you are ready, call me at (619) 383-1900 to schedule your appointment.

What is Self Care?

Often, by the time a mom comes into my office they are burnt out.  They say things like “I don’t know what’s wrong with me” as they sob on the couch and describe to me a feeling of being deeply tired, stressed, overworked, and feeling like a failure in every area of their life.

It’s not that these women don’t love being moms.  In fact the extreme opposite is often the case. They love being a mom so much, they forget about everything else in their life, and one day they wake up and they have nothing left to give.  It’s at this point, where they feel they have nothing left to give, that they wander into my office.

I work with women to help them to start taking care of themselves in a way that still allows them to take care of their families.  The word self care gets thrown around a lot and is usually coupled with bubble baths, wine, and scented candles but that kind of self care is not realistic for the busy mom so I work with my client’s on simplifying self care.  Self care simplified means making sure the basics are covered. Am I well rested? Am I hydrated? Am I hungry? Self care is asking yourself “What do I need right now?” Sometimes the answer will be “A bubble bath, some wine, and to light one of my nice scented candles”.  Sometimes the answer will be surprisingly simple, like, “I need to go to the bathroom” or “I need to drink some water”.

You see, when you’re a busy mom you are so trained to tune into what’s going on with your family that sometimes you forget to tune into what’s going on with you.

Your assignment this week, if you choose to accept it, is to set a reminder on your phone.  When the reminder goes off, I want you to take a moment to breathe in deep 2-3 times and to ask yourself “what do I need right now”.  Whatever comes up is OK. You don’t have to act on whatever comes up for you, you don’t have to do anything. Step one is to just acknowledge what your need is.

Want more individualized support?  I have a couple of openings in my San Diego practice right now.  To schedule an appointment call (619) 383-1900.

Drinking to cope with motherhood

I often work with women who are struggling with how to manage the stress that comes with being a mom, partner, employee, friend and much more.  Today women juggle more responsibilities and have more stress than any other generation before them. They feel pressure to be the perfect parent, bring in an income that allows for a nice house and to pay for their kids soccer and ballet lessons.  When at work they feel pressure to be home, when home they feel pressure to be the fun and sexy wife, when with their children they are worried about work. It feels that life is always moving, they are never where they “should” be, they are never doing enough and never feeling successful.  With all of this pressure it can be easy to turn to drinking as one tool to shut down the constant pressure that many women are feeling today.

It is possible for people to have a healthy relationship with alcohol and you might just be one of those people.  But for some women, drinking is becoming a normal tool to manage the stress that often comes along with raising children and trying to have a happy marriage.  Below is a short checklist of signs that you may be relying on drinking in order to manage stress.

__You drink more or for longer periods than you intended to.

__You have tried to stop drinking before but couldn’t.

__Drinking is starting to interfere with taking care of your family.

__Drinking more to get the desired effect (decreased stress, feeling relaxed, etc)

These are just a couple of signs that drinking may be becoming a problem.  

If you think you may be drinking to much try and stop for a week, see what happens and how you feel about your alcohol intake.  Notice what comes up for you during that week, was it hard? Easy? Did you enjoy more time with your kids or notice less arguing with your husband?  Or maybe you fought more with your husband and were on edge with the kids all week.

If you noticed that it was hard to give up drinking, therapy may be able to help.  Depending on your needs therapy may be able to help you manage your stress, decrease anxiety and depression, improve your relationship with your partner, family and friends, and to decrease your alcohol use.  

I would love to help you on your path towards feeling better.  To schedule an appointment call (619) 383-1900 or email gwendolyn@gwendolynnelsonterry.com

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry is a licensed marriage and family therapist located in the Hillcrest neighborhood of San Diego, CA.

Mom Guilt

In response to my last blog on date night I got a few mom’s who shared with me that they don’t do date night because they are struggling to leave their babies and children at home.  The word that came up in many of the emails was “guilt”. Many mom’s expressed guilt for taking time away from their children to take care of their relationship. So what do you do if you want to go on a date night, know it’s important to spend time with your partner, but just can’t get past the mom guilt?

First of all I want you to know that mom guilt is normal.  If you didn’t feel guilty about date night, you would feel guilty about something else.  Society has sent the message to women for many years that in order for us to be a “good mom” we need to devote our entire life to our children and anything less than that means we’re a bad mom.  The truth is that in order to be a good mom you need to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your babies. A burnt out, screaming, tired mom is not a good mom, although we all get there some times.  To be a good mom you need to be a complete person that nurtures and cares for yourself physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally.

Now I’m going to be very honest with you.  There is no easy way to get through mom guilt.  Like I said if you didn’t feel guilty about date night, you’d feel guilty about something else.  

Steps to start shedding the mom guilt:

First, talk to your partner.  Let them know how you are feeling and tell them you’d love to spend some alone time with them.  Prepare your partner for the likelihood that you might be struggling with guilt that night and ask them to be understanding if you find you have moments where you are not totally present in the evening.  Your partner may surprise you and have a few suggestions to help you get through this feeling of guilt.

Next I want you to go on a date night or just get out of the house together, no kids.  Keep doing this weekly. Over time the guilt will become less and less intense and you will start to enjoy and look forward to your time out together.  

During the time out, away from the kids notice when the mom guilt comes up.  Acknowledge it and then challenge the thought that is coming up for you. For example if your self talk is saying “you’re a bad mom.  I can’t believe you left the baby!”, list all the ways you are a good mom. Think back to all the times you got up in the middle of the night to hold your baby as they went back to sleep, the thoughtfulness you put into feeding them dinner, the times you take them to the park or the play group, all the times you changed the diaper, fed them, kissed, them told them you loved them.  Whatever the thought, your job is to take a moment and challenge it. If you’re having a hard time with this in the moment, ask your partner for help.

Next, say a calming statement to yourself like “I’m a good mom and it’s ok to spend time with my partner” or “I’m having fun with my partner and this time out with them will make us better parents”.  Say this over and over to yourself until you notice that you are able to focus more on the date.

Repeat the steps as much as needed.

Here’s a little cheat sheet of the steps to help you remember what to do.

• Talk to your partner.  Let them know you are struggling with mom guilt.  Let them know you don’t expect them to fix your feelings and let them know the ways they can help.  

• Get out of the house without the kids.  Go for a walk, out to dinner, to a movie, or something else.  Just start doing it.

• Notice the mom guilt when it comes up.

• Name it, acknowledge it: “Hey there mom guilt.  I see you”.

• Challenge it:  “Am I really a bad mom?  I make my babies lunches every day, I drive them to dance class, I do arts and crafts with them.”  Start listing all the unique and awesome ways that you are a great mom.

• Reaffirm, choose a statement to say to yourself to help calm your thoughts:  “I’m a great mom and going out with my partner is a good thing for my kids”.

• Ask your partner for help when you need it.

• Plan to go out the following week or aim to go out twice a month.

Need some extra support with mom guilt?  I'd love to meet with you to discuss how therapy might be able to help.  Email me with any questions or to schedule an appointment:  Gwendolyn@GwendolynNelsonTerry.com

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry is a Marriage and Family Therapist located in the Hillcrest neighborhood of San Diego.