How Are You?

How are you?

How are you really doing?

I’ve noticed for myself and for many of my client’s this transition back into the real world is a bit of a rough time.

Some client’s aren’t ready to return back to the office. Some are planning on continuing to wear their mask when the go out. Others are continuing to avoid eating in doors.

It’s not easy to decide what to do with all the conflicting information on Covid and rapid re-opening of California.

Even when you do go out, the social anxiety might start up, or you might feel like you are rusty with your conversation and small talk skills.

Know that it is OK to feel uncomfortable during this time. Know that it is OK to take it slow. Know that it’s OK to say “I’m not ready to (eat in restaurants, go to the gym, or whatever).

Eventually things will start to feel more normal.

In the mean time, here is a wonderful blog Esther Perel wrote about how to start a conversation: https://estherperel.com/blog/5-ways-to-start-conversations-with-confidence

How to be more present in your relationship

We all have a certain level of programming that we bring with us as we go through life and as we enter and are in relationships. This programming is partly made up by the experiences we had as children and comprise much of how our parents or primary caregivers treated us. From birth to around the age of 7 our brain is doing a lot of learning and changing. These early experiences with caregivers get solidified into our brain and they become the basis for our programming.

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Why We Stay Stuck & How to Get Unstuck

“Change involves a surprising amount of loss, the familiar” - Lori Gottlieb

How is fear of change keeping you from moving forward in your life? How is it keeping you from creating the life you want? How is fear of change keeping you from achieving life goals? How is it holding you back from happiness?

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The Number One Reason Couple's Fail in Couple's Therapy

When things aren’t working in a relationship it is easy to see how the other person has hurt us. Our focused is turned outward, noticing all the ways in which our partner’s haven’t shown up for us, haven’t expressed care, have let us down or been difficult or started fights with us. It’s easy to see how the other person is doing all the wrong things. We can start to have thoughts like “If only they would stop being so sensitive”, “If only they could focus on my emotions more”, “They don’t care for me, they can’t even sit and listen to my emotions”. The narrative and pain is all abut the other person.

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Valentine's Day Every Day: A Blog Post On Building Gratitude In Your Relationship

One thing that Covid has made abundantly clear is that we don’t know what the next moment holds, we can’t take things or people for granted and that their are many, many unknowns out there. Knowing how precious each moment is, knowing how important our relationships are, every day we should should be striving for gratitude in those relationships; mom, sister, partner, friends, daughters, sons, all relationships.

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Why Your Conversations Turn Into Fights

Ever say something normal to your partner like, “hey, the kitchen is super messy”, only to have it turn into a full blown fight? Or have you ever had your partner say something to you like “Star Trek is better than Star Wars” and find yourself in a 3 day argument?

Seemingly normal conversations with our partners can easily turn into huge fights when our triggers are left unchecked.

What is a trigger? Great question, I’m glad you asked. A trigger is a topic, story, gesture, face, movement

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It Doesn't Matter Who Is "Right", What Matters Is How You Listen To Each Other

It’s not uncommon for a couple to find their way into my office in the midst of an argument, each person wanting to declare to me why they are “right” and why I should tell their partner they are “wrong”. Couples are often surprised to hear me say in response, “It doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. You don’t need to agree or disagree with one another, you just need to listen.” So unsatisfying, am I right?

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When Your Family Makes You Feel Like a Disappointment: How to Survive Thanksgiving & the Holiday's

It’s that time of the year again, the time when our family members feel free to ask awkward questions, questions that leave us feeling like the family disappointment. You love your family but you dread this time of the year because it brings up questions about your relationship, your career choices, and discussions on all the ways you have let your family down.

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Can I Do Marriage Counseling Without My Spouse?

In an ideal world your spouse would be on board with working on your marriage. However, there are many reasons why your spouse or partner may be choosing to say “no” to marriage counseling. Most people have heard horror stories from friends or co-workers who report that each week they and their spouse would go into marriage counseling only to start a fight, have the therapist sit and observe, only to leave and continue the fight in the car on the way home. These stories can create fear that the issues between you and your partner can grow bigger if you go to therapy.

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The Importance of Stating a Positive Need

Picture this: You walk in the door after a long day. You’re tired, you need to feed the kids, you just can’t wait to slip on your sweats and relax in front of the TV. As you walk down the hallway you notice dirty socks on the ground, you go into the kitchen and once again your partner has left his breakfast dishes on the counter, you go into the front room and find your partner sitting on the couch watching TV and they look up from the TV and say “Hey babe, what’s for dinner?”.

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A Simple Tool That Will Make a Huge Impact In Your Next Relationship Conflict

Most couples when they come to see me talk about their arguing, they just can’t seem to get beyond it, they don’t feel heard, and they feel like their partner just doesn’t get them. They keep having the same fights, talking about the same issues and getting no where. Often, by the time they make an appointment to see me one or both par

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How to Handle it When You or Your Partner Shuts Down During a Fight

John Gottman calls it Diffuse Physiological Arousal that state that a person goes into when they have started to emotionally flood and they are starting to shut down emotionally and physically. During Diffuse Physiological Arousal we might experience a racing heart, we might feel tense, we might go into what feels like fight, flight or freeze.

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How to find the right couples therapist

Finding a couples therapist that matches your needs takes a bit of work. First, if you were hoping to use your insurance for couples therapy, most insurance plans will not cover a couples therapy session. This is because in order to use your insurance the service has to be medically necessary. Insurance does not view your relationship as a medically necessary issue to cover. For this reason alone I suggest that people do not call their insurance companies for a list of referrals to therapists.

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Ahhh, summer break

The weather is warm.  My daughter is here for the week.  Life is good and I’m checking out for a bit. 

I hope everyone is taking time to enjoy their summer.

My goal is to return to blogging next week.

Until then, enjoy the weather, enjoy your time with loved ones.

What To Expect During The First Couple Of Sessions (Couples Therapy)

It’s been months of non stop fighting and the two of you have agreed it’s time to go to counseling.  You feel anxious, unsure what to expect, hopeful that this helps. It feels like so much is riding on this.  You hope you choose a good therapist, you hope the therapist can help you explain your side, you hope they can help the two of you start talking again.

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