3 Types of Conflict Attitudes

In my work as a marriage and family therapist I’ve found that there are 3 distinct types of conflict attitudes. There is the conflict comfortable (aka conflict neutral), conflict avoidant, and people who seem to seek out and relish conflict.

Most of my client’s describe themselves as being conflict avoidant. When issues come up in their relationship, at work, with family or friends, they look the other way. People who are conflict avoidant may even feel that they are afraid of conflict, seeing it as uncontrollable, something with no resolution or positive outcome for them. People who are conflict avoidant often live by the belief that if they don’t bring up an issue, then it will just go away. The problem is, issues seldom go away unless they are dealt with. In conflict they can withdraw, stonewall, or become dissociated. At times, when in conflict they can become very angry, lashing out, saying things they don’t mean, and at times become verbally attacking of their partners.

Conflict seekers seem to enjoy the rush of adrenaline they receive when in conflict. They can push their partners buttons, not respect boundaries, look for things to get angry about. Often times the conflict seekers are reactive to their emotions, going for 0-100 in a couple of seconds. In relationships, conflict seekers can push their partner away, seeming to have a never ending list of complaints or needs that their partner is able to meet. Conflict seekers tend to have a hard time with self soothing and regulating emotions. This can be problematic when they are trying to resolve a conflict with their partner as their partner feels that they are consistently met with resistance.

Conflict neutral people are comfortable with conflict. Conflict isn’t good or bad, it’s just a necessary part of being in relationship with others. Conflict neutral people tend to have a good understanding of their emotions, good at self soothing and regulating their emotions, and often times are good communicators. The conflict neutral people are comfortable listening to their partners emotions and needs, and they themselves are comfortable stating their emotions and needs. Conflict neutral people often times report that they have success resolving conflict with others.

Do you see yourself in any of the above listed conflict attitudes? Which one stands out most to you? Is it helpful or hurtful in your relationship? What about your partner, what is their conflict attitude? What have you noticed about their conflict attitude and how it either helps or hurts you two when you are in conflict?

If you are struggling in conflict in your relationship, couples therapy may be able to help.

When doing therapy with Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT, a trained couples therapist, you will be guided through the process of identifying your conflict patterns, gain insight into how those patterns either help or hurt your relationship and you’ll learn new ways of communicating and relating to one another.

If your partner doesn’t want to attend couples therapy, no problem. You can gain a lot of skills working one on one with a therapist that may help resolve your relationship problems. Often times once our partners see us making changes, they become motivated to join in on the change process.

Call today to schedule a free 20 minute phone consultation to find out how therapy may be able to help you improve your relationship.

Valentine's Day Every Day: A Blog Post On Building Gratitude In Your Relationship

I’ve never really been one for Valentine’s Day. It always struck me as odd that we would save all of our appreciations for one day out of the year. I don’t know about you but in my relationship, I want to feel like most days are like Valentine’s Day.

In my therapy practice, both with couples and individuals, I do a lot of work on setting reasonable expectations. It seems to me that the expectations are not reasonable for Valentine’s Day. It’s built up to be this amazing day, full of flowers, chocolate, an amazing date, and unfiltered words of affirmation for the entire day. Perhaps a more reasonable expectation for the day is a hug from your loved one, a sweet gesture such as you doing the dishes, them returning the gesture, then some purposeful time together (whatever that looks like for your relationship).

One thing that Covid has made abundantly clear is that we don’t know what the next moment holds, we can’t take things or people for granted and that their are many, many unknowns out there. Knowing how precious each moment is, knowing how important our relationships are, every day we should should be striving for gratitude in those relationships; mom, sister, partner, friends, daughters, sons, all relationships.

One way we can work on building up that gratitude, strengthening the muscle of not taking people for granted is through a modified gratitude practice. For the week, choose one relationship - doesn’t matter who it is. Each day, before bed think of 3 things about that person that you are grateful for. It can be an action they performed, words they said, the way they looked at you, a joke they told, a hug they gave, how they look in their PJ’s. Think of 3 things about that person that you are grateful for. Challenge yourself to come up with 3 unique things every day for one week. Sometimes the gratitude with repeat itself, try not to get hung up on that. At the end of the week, share that list with your partner or whom ever you chose for this practice.

How did it feel to focus on why you are grateful for that person?

How did they respond when you shared your list?

Did you notice any changes in the relationship since starting this gratitude practice?

Have you noticed any changes in yourself?

While not a Gottman strategy, it does touch upon a Gottman skill and a level of the Sound Relationship House. By focusing on your gratitude, carving out moments to be purposefully grateful, you are strengthening the level of the House called fondness and admiration. You are also working on undoing any negative sentiment override you and your relationship might be experiencing. Negative sentiment override is when we have too many negative experiences in our relationship, our brain starts to get wired to see and notice only the negative. By focusing on the good, our eyes open more to the positives in our relationship.

Every day can be Valentine’s Day when you are working on being more present, mindful, attuned to the relationship, and grateful for what your partner (or any loved one) brings to your life.

Attachment Styles - Why Yours May Be Causing Conflict In Your Relationship

You and your partner have a pattern, it may look like this:  You are feeling restless, you think it’s because of your relationship.  You start to wonder what is wrong in your relationship. You question if your partner is cheating on you, if they’ve fallen out of love with you, if they are no longer interested in you sexually.  You start to question if you’ve gained weight, if you are boring. All this anxiety in your head causes you to start to cling to your partner. You start to question them more about where they’ve been, do they find you attractive, “how come we don’t have sex anymore?”.  You plan date nights, but lingerie. The more you try, the more your partner pulls back. They ignore you, change the subject, become more focused on the TV, computer, everything else but you. All of your efforts seem to drive away your partner.  

Or maybe your pattern looks more like this:  Your partner brings up a conflict with you. They didn’t do the best job of bringing it up in a gentle way.  You’re angry at them, you feel defensive, you can’t really put words to your feelings but your pissed and you are shutting down.  Your head goes blank, you really don’t know what to say, you aren’t really even listening to your partner anymore. Your partner gets more angry, raises their voice, acts more desperate to get your attention but it doesn’t work because you’ve gone into panic mode and have checked out.  The conflict escalates until someone or both of you explodes and says something that you or they regret. Both of you retreat, don’t talk about the issue, no resolution has taken place.

These are just two common patterns I see in couples.  You may not realize it but both of these patterns are caused by attachment wounds and fear of abandonment.

There are 3 types of attachment; secure, anxious, and avoidant.  Attachment is formed in our childhood through our relationships with our primary caregivers.  

As you might have guessed, we aim for secure attachment.  Someone with secure attachment is comfortable with their own feelings, comfortable with their partners feelings, enjoys intimacy and closeness but also values independence (theirs and their partners).

Most of us are anxious or avoidant.  People with anxious attachment styles tend to be anxious in their relationships and tend to personalize their partners interactions.  To feel secure in their relationship they tend to need frequent re-assurance from their partner, attention, and intimacy. When their partner pulls away or expresses a need for independence this makes the anxious person hold on tighter.

Avoidant attachment style people tend to value their freedom over their relationships.  When they get close to intimacy and vulnerability they have the urge to push away. People who fall into this category often times are uncomfortable with their own feelings or their partners feelings.

These attachment styles can make it challenging to be in a relationship.  For example, the classic dance I see in couples therapy is an anxious person who is in a relationship with an avoidant person.  The push, pull of this pairing can create much conflict.

Another common mixing that I see in my work with couples is a mix of avoidant and secure.  Frequently the secure person is confused by the avoidant person’s apparent lack of interest in the relationship.  This pairing often comes to couples therapy saying that the relationship lacks emotional intimacy.

What can a couple do if they are finding themselves in an incompatible attachment style relationship?  I first want to say that attachment styles can be changed. By learning to understand our emotions, and getting comfortable with uncomfortable emotions, and learning how to express and manage our emotions in a healthy way we can start to make the transition over to a secure attachment style.

Another option is to work on attachment styles together, with your partner, in couples therapy.  Couples therapy can help you to learn how to communicate with your partner in a way that they can hear.  Couples therapy can also teach you tools on how to hear what your partner is communicating with you. Beyond the basics of listening, couples therapy can also help you to learn how to negotiate for your needs in your relationship, help you to learn how to navigate conflict (because conflict is normal), and couples therapy can help you learn how to reconnect with your partner following a conflict.

It’s true that attachment styles can cause conflict in relationships.  However, if we can learn to understand, express our feelings in a healthy way, and learn to communicate with our partner we can create meaningful and healthy relationships, no matter what our or our partner’s attachment style is.  When we learn to understand our feelings and communicate with our partner it is entirely possible to work through conflict with our partner in a way that brings about resolution.

It is possible to have a healthy, meaningful, and fulfilling relationship. 

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT can help you to understand your relationship patterns and how those patterns may be getting in the way of you having the relationship that you want.

Call today (619) 383-1900 to schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation.  Or go to the home page and click on the button to schedule your consultation today.

When is it time to leave my relationship?

One of the most common issues that I work on with women in my therapy practice is helping them to understand the dis-satisfaction they have in their relationship.  Often my clients will ask me what are the signs that they should leave their partner. There is no magic formula for making this decision and what I mostly end up telling them is to take their time, gather as much evidence as they can about the relationship and the state it is in, and be confident in their decision to stay or go.

While there is no magic formula to help you to decide if you should stay or go there are some warning signs that tend to mean that the relationship will be harder to get back on track.

First, weak fondness and admiration.  Simply put if you don’t like your partner, if you don’t enjoy being around them or if they don’t like or enjoy being around you then it makes it hard to want to work on the relationship.  The foundation for any good relationship is friendship and liking the other person. When fondness and admiration are in place you are more likely to want to invest the time and effort into improving the relationship.  

Every couple has a story of how they met.  Happy couples look at the story of how they met with some joy and with a smile on their face.  If you or your partner start focusing more on the me-ness of your time together, if your story focus has shifted from a partnership to a one person show.  If you or your partner tell the story of your relationship with impersonal details, without humor or vivid memories this is a sign that the relationship has gotten way off course.

Relationship Struggles push you apart:  Relationships are hard and they take work.  Happy couples tend to look back on relationship struggles with pride because they can see that they overcame a struggle and they can see the growth they made as a couple through that difficult time in their relationship.

Your relationship falls short of your expectations and you just can’t seem to move beyond it.  Your relationship is never going to be as great as the romantic comedies you love to watch, those aren’t realistic representations of relationships.  Relationship have ups and downs. As you get to know your partner he or she will reveal to you some personality quirks that you may not like. You’ll get annoyed with each other.  Your body will change over time, their body will change over time. These are all normal sources of discomfort in a relationship. Asking yourself if you are happy with your decision to stay in your relationship can reveal a lot about where you are emotionally.  If you’re happy with the decision you made to get married that says something. If in your heart and gut you aren’t happy...well then it might be some time to make some changes.

Knowing what to do in your relationship is seldom a clear cut answer.  Therapy can help you to understand your relationship patterns, can help you to gain some insight into relationship problems and can help you to better understand your emotions and needs within the relationship.  Call 619-383-1900 today to schedule your free 15 minute phone consultation and find out how therapy can help you in your relationship.

Your Relationship After Baby

Even the best of couples can feel off in their relationship after a baby arrives.  Exhaustion has set in, routines have changed, and you are in the midst of renegotiating household responsibilities.  As the kids get older it can continue to feel as if you and your partner are no longer spending time together, connecting, taking time to be a couple.  

John Gottman is a researcher who has studied couples and is considered a leading resource for couples therapists.  One tool that Gottman suggests to get a couple back on track is the use of a Love Map.  A Love Map, simply put, is a way to get to know the small things in your husband or wife’s life.  Asking questions such as “who do you like to go to lunch with at work?” and “what do you worry about?” can help to build a better understanding of your partners world.

You may think you know the answers to many of these questions and perhaps you do but I’m guessing some of the answers have changed over time.  Just as our world is constantly evolving - think back to when you had your baby and the changes you experienced with your friendship circle, thoughts and way of feeling.  Heck, even how you experienced going to the grocery store changed.  It might be surprising to learn that our partners also underwent a change too.  Even if your kids are grown and gone or you are just starting a new relationship, asking questions about your partner is a great way to build what Gottman refers to as a “solid foundation” for your relationship.

This week I encourage you to ask questions about your partner's life, likes and dislikes.  Learn what is currently making them tick, take an interest in their work, ask questions, ask about their experiences during the day.

You can start building a Love Map by asking your partner questions such as “What’s my favorite place to eat lunch?” or ask your partner questions like “Where do you like to go out for lunch when you’re at work?”  Here are some additional questions to get you started on building your Love Map.

If you could take a vacation anywhere, where would you go?

What is your favorite vacation we took and why?

What’s your favorite restaurant?

What’s your most embarrassing moment?

What’s the best book you’ve read in the past year?

What is your proudest moment?

As your partner shares listen without judgement, ask questions, be curious and have fun.

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Vacaville, Pollock Pines and Sacramento.  Providing online counseling for women and couples - serving all areas of California.