3 Types of Conflict Attitudes

In my work as a marriage and family therapist I’ve found that there are 3 distinct types of conflict attitudes. There is the conflict comfortable (aka conflict neutral), conflict avoidant, and people who seem to seek out and relish conflict.

Most of my client’s describe themselves as being conflict avoidant. When issues come up in their relationship, at work, with family or friends, they look the other way. People who are conflict avoidant may even feel that they are afraid of conflict, seeing it as uncontrollable, something with no resolution or positive outcome for them. People who are conflict avoidant often live by the belief that if they don’t bring up an issue, then it will just go away. The problem is, issues seldom go away unless they are dealt with. In conflict they can withdraw, stonewall, or become dissociated. At times, when in conflict they can become very angry, lashing out, saying things they don’t mean, and at times become verbally attacking of their partners.

Conflict seekers seem to enjoy the rush of adrenaline they receive when in conflict. They can push their partners buttons, not respect boundaries, look for things to get angry about. Often times the conflict seekers are reactive to their emotions, going for 0-100 in a couple of seconds. In relationships, conflict seekers can push their partner away, seeming to have a never ending list of complaints or needs that their partner is able to meet. Conflict seekers tend to have a hard time with self soothing and regulating emotions. This can be problematic when they are trying to resolve a conflict with their partner as their partner feels that they are consistently met with resistance.

Conflict neutral people are comfortable with conflict. Conflict isn’t good or bad, it’s just a necessary part of being in relationship with others. Conflict neutral people tend to have a good understanding of their emotions, good at self soothing and regulating their emotions, and often times are good communicators. The conflict neutral people are comfortable listening to their partners emotions and needs, and they themselves are comfortable stating their emotions and needs. Conflict neutral people often times report that they have success resolving conflict with others.

Do you see yourself in any of the above listed conflict attitudes? Which one stands out most to you? Is it helpful or hurtful in your relationship? What about your partner, what is their conflict attitude? What have you noticed about their conflict attitude and how it either helps or hurts you two when you are in conflict?

If you are struggling in conflict in your relationship, couples therapy may be able to help.

When doing therapy with Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT, a trained couples therapist, you will be guided through the process of identifying your conflict patterns, gain insight into how those patterns either help or hurt your relationship and you’ll learn new ways of communicating and relating to one another.

If your partner doesn’t want to attend couples therapy, no problem. You can gain a lot of skills working one on one with a therapist that may help resolve your relationship problems. Often times once our partners see us making changes, they become motivated to join in on the change process.

Call today to schedule a free 20 minute phone consultation to find out how therapy may be able to help you improve your relationship.

Attachment Styles - Why Yours May Be Causing Conflict In Your Relationship

You and your partner have a pattern, it may look like this:  You are feeling restless, you think it’s because of your relationship.  You start to wonder what is wrong in your relationship. You question if your partner is cheating on you, if they’ve fallen out of love with you, if they are no longer interested in you sexually.  You start to question if you’ve gained weight, if you are boring. All this anxiety in your head causes you to start to cling to your partner. You start to question them more about where they’ve been, do they find you attractive, “how come we don’t have sex anymore?”.  You plan date nights, but lingerie. The more you try, the more your partner pulls back. They ignore you, change the subject, become more focused on the TV, computer, everything else but you. All of your efforts seem to drive away your partner.  

Or maybe your pattern looks more like this:  Your partner brings up a conflict with you. They didn’t do the best job of bringing it up in a gentle way.  You’re angry at them, you feel defensive, you can’t really put words to your feelings but your pissed and you are shutting down.  Your head goes blank, you really don’t know what to say, you aren’t really even listening to your partner anymore. Your partner gets more angry, raises their voice, acts more desperate to get your attention but it doesn’t work because you’ve gone into panic mode and have checked out.  The conflict escalates until someone or both of you explodes and says something that you or they regret. Both of you retreat, don’t talk about the issue, no resolution has taken place.

These are just two common patterns I see in couples.  You may not realize it but both of these patterns are caused by attachment wounds and fear of abandonment.

There are 3 types of attachment; secure, anxious, and avoidant.  Attachment is formed in our childhood through our relationships with our primary caregivers.  

As you might have guessed, we aim for secure attachment.  Someone with secure attachment is comfortable with their own feelings, comfortable with their partners feelings, enjoys intimacy and closeness but also values independence (theirs and their partners).

Most of us are anxious or avoidant.  People with anxious attachment styles tend to be anxious in their relationships and tend to personalize their partners interactions.  To feel secure in their relationship they tend to need frequent re-assurance from their partner, attention, and intimacy. When their partner pulls away or expresses a need for independence this makes the anxious person hold on tighter.

Avoidant attachment style people tend to value their freedom over their relationships.  When they get close to intimacy and vulnerability they have the urge to push away. People who fall into this category often times are uncomfortable with their own feelings or their partners feelings.

These attachment styles can make it challenging to be in a relationship.  For example, the classic dance I see in couples therapy is an anxious person who is in a relationship with an avoidant person.  The push, pull of this pairing can create much conflict.

Another common mixing that I see in my work with couples is a mix of avoidant and secure.  Frequently the secure person is confused by the avoidant person’s apparent lack of interest in the relationship.  This pairing often comes to couples therapy saying that the relationship lacks emotional intimacy.

What can a couple do if they are finding themselves in an incompatible attachment style relationship?  I first want to say that attachment styles can be changed. By learning to understand our emotions, and getting comfortable with uncomfortable emotions, and learning how to express and manage our emotions in a healthy way we can start to make the transition over to a secure attachment style.

Another option is to work on attachment styles together, with your partner, in couples therapy.  Couples therapy can help you to learn how to communicate with your partner in a way that they can hear.  Couples therapy can also teach you tools on how to hear what your partner is communicating with you. Beyond the basics of listening, couples therapy can also help you to learn how to negotiate for your needs in your relationship, help you to learn how to navigate conflict (because conflict is normal), and couples therapy can help you learn how to reconnect with your partner following a conflict.

It’s true that attachment styles can cause conflict in relationships.  However, if we can learn to understand, express our feelings in a healthy way, and learn to communicate with our partner we can create meaningful and healthy relationships, no matter what our or our partner’s attachment style is.  When we learn to understand our feelings and communicate with our partner it is entirely possible to work through conflict with our partner in a way that brings about resolution.

It is possible to have a healthy, meaningful, and fulfilling relationship. 

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT can help you to understand your relationship patterns and how those patterns may be getting in the way of you having the relationship that you want.

Call today (619) 383-1900 to schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation.  Or go to the home page and click on the button to schedule your consultation today.

Is it ever OK to comment on someone's weight?

A client recently asked me “is it ever OK to talk to someone about their weight?”.  We had been discussing her feelings around her body and the messages that she received as a kid growing up.  This client was in the process of trying to understand how her parents apparent concern for her health had set her up for a lifetime of believing that her body was wrong.  If she couldn’t receive this message from her parents, could she receive it from anyone else?

The answer to the question “is it ever OK to talk to someone about their weight?” is long and complicated.  The short answer is no, it is never OK to talk with someone about their weight.

By talking to someone about their weight you are assigning value to that person's body based on its size.  A comment of “You look so good! Did you lose weight?” sends the message to a person that them being attractive is dependent on the size of their body.  

In turn a comment of “What happened to you?  I thought you were doing Weight Watchers” sends the message that they are not capable of managing their food and that their body screams “I can’t control myself around food”.  

Even if your comment is rooted in the desire to give a complement, think before you speak.  If you want to give a complement, what can you say that doesn’t involve their body? Sharing an appreciation for their friendship, sharing a fond memory, or talking about how important they are to you will go a lot further than a comment about their weight.

If you are genuinely concerned about the person and their weight first ask yourself if it is your place to bring up this issue.  Chances are this person is already aware of their weight struggle. They probably have already had a well meaning friend or family member comment on their weight.  They are probably already struggling with shame. Society is not subtle in its messaging to people about their bodies and their sizes.  

Check your assumptions.  Is your comment about their weight rooted in the belief that something is wrong with them.  That their weight equals a mental health concern, a lack of control, or some other issue that you don’t know to be true.  

Before speaking to someone about their weight, ask yourself what your real concern is.  A common one I hear is “I’m worried they’re depressed, they’ve gained so much weight”. Yes, sometimes people eat emotionally.  However not everyone does. The concern in that statement is not about the person’s weight. The real concern is they are depressed.  Rather than talking to the person about their weight a more effective approach would be to talk with them about the underlying concern, “I’m worried you’re depressed.  You just don’t seem happy”. Commenting on a person’s weight is more likely to add to any emotional burden that they may or may not be struggling with and is more likely to shut them down and close off communication.

In my practice I speak with many women of all shapes and sizes who have learned at one point or another that something is wrong with their body.  I work with women to unravel those stories that they have heard and sometimes created about themselves and their bodies. I help them to work through their fear of being seen in the world and help them to find value, confidence, compassion and self love for the person they are today.

Are you ready to start feeling good again?  Call today and schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation to learn more about therapy might be able to help you with your own relationship with your body.

What Feelings Am I Having?

Before you can address an uncomfortable feeling you need to first be able to label the feeling that you are having.  Our bodies and our brains communicate our feelings to us in many ways. People are often surprised to learn that their body is screaming their feelings at them, communicating in ways such as back problems and stomach aches.  There is no magic formula to identifying and labeling feelings. Everyone’s body is different and everyone’s body communicates to them in different ways. It’s important for you to learn the ways that your body communicates to you.

One way to start learning about how your body communicates uncomfortable feelings to you is by doing a body scan.  A body scan is basically taking notice of your body and the ways that your body is signaling feelings to you.

To do a body scan you would close your eyes and start by just focusing on your breath.  Breathe in and out, noticing the sensation of your stomach as your breathe in and breathe out.  Once you feel relaxed and focused you can start at the top of your head and slowly scan downward just noticing the different sensations in your body.  

- Do you notice pressure at the top of your head?  

- Are you tense in your neck or shoulders?  

- How does your heart feel?  Is it racing, is it beating slowly?  

- Is your gut communicating anything to you?  

- What about your back?  

- Keep moving down the body, observing and noticing the ways that your body is communicating to you.

The first few times that you do this exercise you might not be able to label your emotions or understand the ways in which your body is communicating your feelings to you.  That’s OK - with time and practice you will start to be able to understand and notice the ways that your feelings show up.

Set an alarm on your phone to go off one time a day for the next 7 days.  Use this alarm as a reminder to do a body scan and see if you can start to notice any feelings or messages that your body is sending you.

Feelings: Good or Bad?

You may have noticed throughout my blog and website that I refer to feelings as uncomfortable and comfortable.  That’s because we therapists believe that feelings are neither good or bad, they just are. An uncomfortable feeling might be sadness, anger or anxiety.  A comfortable feeling might be joy or happiness. Noticing the ways that feelings show up in your body can help you decipher if they are comfortable or uncomfortable.

Frequently when a person experiences many uncomfortable feelings they start to develop defenses to those feelings or they start to look for ways to numb those feelings.  Some common defenses to feelings are; overworking, drinking, avoiding, and sometimes even anxiety can be a defense.

Learning to work through our defenses and to experience the core emotions below our feelings is a key step in being able to work through uncomfortable feelings and in being able to let them go.  Finding a way to access your feelings and to sit with those uncomfortable feelings is important.

This week, as your homework, think about some of the defenses that you might have developed over time that keep you from being able to experience your core emotions.