A Simple Tool That Will Make a Huge Impact In Your Next Relationship Conflict
Most couples when they come to see me talk about their arguing, they just can’t seem to get beyond it, they don’t feel heard, and they feel like their partner just doesn’t get them. They keep having the same fights, talking about the same issues and getting no where. Often, by the time they make an appointment to see me one or both par
Most couples when they come to see me talk about their arguing, they just can’t seem to get beyond it, they don’t feel heard, and they feel like their partner just doesn’t get them. They keep having the same fights, talking about the same issues and getting no where. Often, by the time they make an appointment to see me one or both partners has shut down, stopped trying to communicate, resentment has set in and the couple is in a stalemate. In those situations we spend a lot of time in the early stages of therapy working on practicing putting down our own personal agendas and just listening to what our partner is trying to communicate.
If this sounds like you and your partner - read on to learn a tool that will help you and your partner better hear what the other person is trying to communicate.
Each person get’s a piece of paper or notebook to write on.
Decide who will be the listener first (each person will get a chance to practice speaking and listening).
Rules for the speaker: A) No blaming or criticizing your partner B) No “You” statements, practice using “I” statements. I feel ___ when ___. I need ___. C) State your needs positively. For example “I need you to help with the dishes after dinner” NOT “I need you to stop making such a big mess and leaving it for me to clean up”.
Rules for the listener: A) Set aside your agenda and just focus on what your partner is trying to communicate to you. If you find it is hard to set your agenda aside, remind yourself that you too will have a turn to speak. B) As the speaker talks, take notes. C) Tune into your partners emotions, what is it they are wanting you to understand and know about their feelings and their experiences? D) Offer validation and ask questions (if needed) to deepen your understanding of your partner’s needs. E) When your partner is done speaking, state back what you heard your partner communicating to you.
Switch, speaker is now listener and vice versa.
When you start off using this tool it might not feel natural to use the paper to take notes or you may notice that you are distracted by your partner taking notes. I encourage you to work through this. Writing notes has many benefits, it helps the listener to better process what is being said, it helps to defuse some tension which decreases emotional flooding, and it helps support the listener if they become flooded while stating back what they heard the speaker say.
The goal with this tool is not to have resolution or compromise, it is only to hear and understand what your partner is saying and to help your partner understand what you are saying.
Using this early on in conflict will help you and your partner avoid getting the the point of resentment and withdraw.
If you and your partner could use a little help with navigating through conflict, working with a trained Gottman couples therapist will help you to learn valuable communication skills to help you and your partner learn to fight in a constructive way. Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT is a level 2 Gottman trained therapist and will be completing level 3 in mid September. Gottman therapy is a scientifically backed couples therapy method that supports couples in building emotional connection, maintaining friendship, communicating needs, and working through conflict.
Why wait? Your relationship is worth the investment. Call today (619) 383-1900 to schedule your free 20 minute phone consultation or scroll to the bottom of the homepage and click the button to be taken to my online scheduler.
How to Handle it When You or Your Partner Shuts Down During a Fight
John Gottman calls it Diffuse Physiological Arousal that state that a person goes into when they have started to emotionally flood and they are starting to shut down emotionally and physically. During Diffuse Physiological Arousal we might experience a racing heart, we might feel tense, we might go into what feels like fight, flight or freeze.
John Gottman calls it Diffuse Physiological Arousal that state that a person goes into when they have started to emotionally flood and they are starting to shut down emotionally and physically. During Diffuse Physiological Arousal we might experience a racing heart, we might feel tense, we might go into what feels like fight, flight or freeze.
The 4 Horsemen - criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling tend to show up during Diffuse Physiological Arousal (DPA). This is because we (or our partners) are having a hard time managing the emotional flooding and are seeking ways to pull back or push away.
People who are in DPA have lost the ability to listen, some report hearing music or white noise, others report it being completely silent. People in DPA also can’t access their sense of humor, a key component to being able to navigate through conflict. Additionally when we are in the state of DPA we can’t give or receive affection which means any attempt by our partners to help us soothe or any attempt we make to soothe our partner is often overlooked and not helpful.
We can tell when our partner is in DPA because they start to show us the 4 horsemen by either criticizing, becoming defensive, stonewalling or expressing contempt. Another way that we can tell our partner is in DPA is if they start to repeat themselves (this is because in their physiological state, they can’t listen).
What Do We Do When We Are In DPA?
When you catch yourself or your partner showing signs of flooding:
Stop Immediately and take a break. Breaks should last at least 30 minutes in length. Research shows that it takes our bodies about 30 minutes to work through the physiological arousal of flooding. Sometimes we need more time and that’s OK. Breaks shouldn’t last more than 24 hours, after 24 hours the likelihood that you and your partner will return to the issue decreases.
Set a time to meet up again with your partner. Saying something like “This is hard, I need to take a break. How about we continue this conversation in 30 minutes, is that OK?” can help you to communicate your needs and set a time to return to the conflict.
During the break take positive actions to help yourself calm down. Physical movement such as going for a walk or doing a short yoga routine can help your body to process the physiological response to your emotions. Other soothing activities to do during a break can include listening to music, watching a TV show, doing a meditation, going outside to get fresh air.
Don’t ruminate on the issue. If possible think about something else, anything else. Spending your break ruminating on the issue will cause you to re-enter the conflict with more fire and fury.
If you need more time, ask for it, tacking on 30 minutes to an hour each time and checking in with your partner as you go.
If your partner becomes upset with your need for a longer break, offer reassurance. A statement like “This is important to me and I want to make sure that I can really understand what you are telling me. I can’t do that right now but I do love you and I want to work through this with you” can be reassuring to your partner.