Why Your Conversations Turn Into Fights

Ever say something normal to your partner like, “hey, the kitchen is super messy”, only to have it turn into a full blown fight?  Or have you ever had your partner say something to you like “Star Trek is better than Star Wars” and find yourself in a 3 day argument?

Seemingly normal conversations with our partners can easily turn into huge fights when our triggers are left unchecked.  

What is a trigger?  Great question, I’m glad you asked.  A trigger is a topic, story, gesture, face, movement (anything) that triggers within us a strong, and often undesired feeling.  These strong emotions are frequently tied to our history and our stories.

As we go through life, have experiences, enter and exit relationships, we develop a lens in which we filter our information.  This lens is created and developed by the life we live and the experiences and relationships we have.  As our partners talk and interact with us, these interactions go through that lens, get distorted and we take that in.  Most of the time we are neutral about the information coming through this lens, sometimes we like what we see and sometimes it triggers us.

If you grew up in a house with a mom or a dad that was a clean freak who would get upset, yell or give out consequences if the dishes weren’t done, then as an adult you might get fearful when your partner shares an observation that the kitchen is messy.  Rather than seeing that as a neutral statement, or a chance to talk about how to keep the kitchen clean, you might go into defensiveness, blocking your partners statement with comments on their cleanliness, or lack thereof.  

If your older cousin was a die hard Trekkie, going to conventions and learning klingon then you might have a bias towards Star Trek.  Maybe that bias keeps you from being able to understand why your partner might like Star Wars.  When you innocently say to  your partner “Star Trek is better than Star Wars” and your partner disagrees, you might feel invalidated and tell yourself the story “they (your partner) just don’t respect me or my family”.  

Triggers, if left unchecked, can lead us to big misunderstandings where we tell ourselves stories about our self, our partner, our relationship.  These stories may or may not be true but when they are painful stories, they cause us to be defensive.

Take a moment and write down 3 triggers that show up and cause conflict in your relationship.  Write down your triggers, not your partners (although knowing their triggers is also important).  

Read through that list, notice how each trigger makes you feel.  Do you notice yourself getting angry, feeling tense in your body?  Does a trigger make you think of a certain painful or uncomfortable event?  Does a trigger make you tell a story about yourself and/or your worth?  Notice what comes up for you, try not to judge it.  

If you notice yourself getting triggered during a conversation with your partner, get curious.  Ask yourself “what am I feeling?”, “why am I feeling this way?”, “is this because of something my partner said or is it possibly reminding me of something else?”, “what story am I telling myself right now?”.  Getting curious about your trigger and your emotions can hep you to grow your awareness of your triggers.

As your awareness of your triggers grows, you can start to practice self soothing during conversations with your partner.  Some examples of self soothing are: focusing on breath, saying calming statements, taking a break from the conversation, asking your partner to go for a walk while you talk, or rewriting that story you are telling yourself (ex. “My partner doesn’t understand me” to “my partner is just sharing with me that they like watching Star Trek”).  

Self soothing helps you to stay in conversations longer with your partner, helping the two of you to start to resolve conflicts and misunderstandings more easily.

Does all this sound complicated?  It is.  If it were easy, you would have figured this out, made some changes, and the fighting with your partner would be seldom, if not non-existent.  

Couples therapy can help you and your partner to identify, talk about, understand, and learn how to manage your triggers so that when they show up in your relationship, they don’t take over.  

Begin Couples Counseling for relationship conflict in the Bay Area, California (Online/Virtually).

Couples counseling can help you and your relationship.

Helping couples communicate better and resolve conflict is not the only service we offer at Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT.  I am able to treat most couples concerns such as relationship unhappiness, affair recovery, co-parenting, and more.  I also meet with individuals and can support you through a variety of relationship and non-relationship concerns such as anxiety, self esteem, and moving beyond a break up.

Don’t go it alone, work with a trained and experienced couples therapist who can help you and your partner to heal from an affair.  Call today for a free 15 minute phone consultation (619)383-1900.

It Doesn't Matter Who Is "Right", What Matters Is How You Listen To Each Other

It’s not uncommon for a couple to find their way into my office in the midst of an argument, each person wanting to declare to me why they are “right” and why I should tell their partner they are “wrong”. Couples are often surprised to hear me say in response, “It doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. You don’t need to agree or disagree with one another, you just need to listen.” So unsatisfying, am I right?

We’ve been programmed in our life to believe that their is a right and a wrong, things are black and white, and that if the other person could just see that I’m right, well then we wouldn’t have this problem. I challenge this belief. If we think through and pull apart the many different conflict that we have had with our partner over the years, I’m sure you can come to one where your partner turned to you in the heat of the battle and said something along the lines of “Fine, you’re right, I’m wrong. Can we be done now?”. Thinking back to that same argument, did you feel heard? Did you feel understood? Did you feel like your partner cared for you in that moment? Maybe you did, but I’m guessing, probably not. That conversation probably ended feeling unresolved, despite you being “right”.

When we are in conflict with our partner, with the ones we love, more than anything we want to be heard and understood. This is a new way to think about conflict for most people. Most people believe that in conflict their has to be a winner and a looser. What couples learn when they come to do couples therapy with me, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Gottman Couples Therapy, is that they learn that they need to listen, they need to put aside that urge to be “right”, and they need to open up to listening in order to stop fighting.

Listening is often the skill couples spend the most time on when they come to couples therapy. This is because in order to really listen, we need to discover our defenses, triggers, and learn to work through them in order to really listen. In order to discover those defenses and triggers, we need you and your partner to start working on listening.

Couples & Marriage Counseling can help you and your partner learn to the tools to become better communicators and can help you two learn how to become better at conflict.

Listening in conflict with your partner involves the following steps:

1. Take care of your needs. You can’t listen if you are hungry, haven’t had a glass of water since your morning coffee 8 hours ago, or if you need to use the bathroom. If you are in the middle of an argument and notice you are starving or have to use the restroom, press pause on the conversation and take care of your needs.

2. Someone has to go first in the listener role. You don’t get extra points for going first, but sometimes we need to set aside our competing agendas and let our partner speak first. Some couples rock, paper, scissor for who goes first, other’s request to go first, what ever works in your relationship is fine.

3. Listen to your partners words, try and understand the spirit behind their words. What is it that they want you to know? If you are having a hard time figuring out what they want you to know, maybe try and focus in on what they are feeling. Connection with your partner happens on the emotional level.

4. State back to your partner what you’ve heard. We do this for 2 reasons. 1, we are checking to make sure that what we heard is correct. When our defenses show up it creates a lens in which we take in information. We don’t always take in the correct information. Stating back what you heard gives your partner a chance to correct any miscommunications. 2, when we state back what we heard, our partners feel heard. When we feel heard, we feel less angry, we feel more connected, and we soften towards resolution.

5. Validate whatever part of your partners message that you can. Can you validate their emotion, their experience in the conflict, how they viewed the events that led to the conflict. Validate what you can. Validation deepens the softening and sends the message to your partner that you care and are trying to work through the issue.

6. Take ownership of your part in the conflict. Did you come home angry and as a result were short with your partner? Did you start a conversation on an empty stomach and get hangry half way through, did you forget to pick up something from the grocery store? It doesn’t matter how small your actions were, if they contributed to the conflict, own up to it.

7. Now switch, the listener becomes the speaker and vice versa. Couples struggle with how to make this switch. I tell couples that it is best to ask before changing roles. You might ask by saying something like “would you mind if I talked about why I got upset”, or “I experienced that (conflict, the event, your words) differently, can we talk about that?” or “I have some hurt feelings from our fight, can we talk those out"?”.

8. Take a break if you need to. Our bodies and brain take in conflict as a signal for danger. When we are in conflict our brain sends out signals of distress and stress hormones flood our bodies. We can easily go into what Gottman calls diffuse, physiological arousal. This is when our blood pressure climbs, our heart races, and we loose the ability to access the part of the brain that helps us to think through problems. In order to manage diffuse physiological arousal, we need to give our body about 20 minutes to calm down. Sometimes we need hours. Pay attention to the signals your body is sending and take a break from conflict if you need it.

Begin Couples Counseling for relationship conflict in the Bay Area, California (Online/Virtually).

Couples counseling can help you and your relationship.

Helping couples communicate better and resolve conflict is not the only service we offer at Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT.  I am able to treat most couples concerns such as relationship unhappiness, affair recovery, co-parenting, and more.  I also meet with individuals and can support you through a variety of relationship and non-relationship concerns such as anxiety, self esteem, and moving beyond a break up.

Don’t go it alone, work with a trained and experienced couples therapist who can help you and your partner to heal from an affair. Call today for a free 15 minute phone consultation (619)383-1900.

Can I Do Marriage Counseling Without My Spouse?

Can I Do Marriage Counseling Without My Spouse?

In an ideal world your spouse would be on board with working on your marriage. However, there are many reasons why your spouse or partner may be choosing to say “no” to marriage counseling. Most people have heard horror stories from friends or co-workers who report that each week they and their spouse would go into marriage counseling only to start a fight, have the therapist sit and observe, only to leave and continue the fight in the car on the way home. These stories can create fear that the issues between you and your partner can grow bigger if you go to therapy.

Other reasons your partner might not want to go to therapy; it’s scary to be vulnerable, they don’t know what to expect, they too are tired of the fighting and the way they cope with it is to withdraw, etc. Whatever their reason, it is best not to fight their need to stay out of counseling for the time being.

The fact that your spouse or partner doesn’t want to come to therapy doesn’t make it a deal breaker. You can work on the relationship, alone, in marriage counseling.

A trained couples therapist will be able to help you develop communication skills to decrease conflict, increase friendship and intimacy, and help you to find ways to start connect with your partner on a more frequent and consistent basis. You might also explore with your therapist your relationship patterns, attachment styles and triggers, and gain insight into how you and your personal history may be getting in the way of you having the marriage of your dreams. A trained couples therapist can also help you to learn how to navigate through transitions in relationships such as having a baby, your child leaving for college, partner becoming unemployed or getting a new job, moves, and much more.

Not sure you know what you want to work on but know that something in the relationship needs to change? Your therapist can help you figure out goals for therapy, what to expect from therapy and speak with you a little bit more about the direction of therapy and what to expect.

Most therapist’s will offer a free phone consultation before you schedule the session. This is a great time for you to talk a little bit about what is bringing you into therapy and a good opportunity for you to ask and find out how therapy might be able to help you and your relationship.

If you are interested in starting couples therapy or relationship therapy for yourself sent me an email. I am currently gathering a waiting list for anticipated open spots for January of 2020.

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in the State of California and Missouri. Gwendolyn is a Level 3 Gottman trained therapist who specializes in helping couples to rebuild the friendship and spark in their relationship.

Does Online Counseling Really Work?

Does online counseling really work?

This is one of the most common questions I get. Online counseling absolutely does work and often times can be even more effective than doing in office counseling.

How online counseling works

Online counseling works much like in office counseling works only you meet with your therapist using a HIPAA compliant website or program (think Zoom) that allows you and your therapist to both see and hear each other.

The therapist is still able to read your emotions, make connections with you, and help you towards your therapy goal.

Sometimes online counseling can be more effective than in office therapy.

When doing couples therapy, it is not uncommon for couple’s to come into therapy having tried couples therapy once before only to have a bad experience that left them leaving the office and continuing to fight.

With online counseling you and your partner do not need to be in the same place. This sometimes can help to defuse the emotional tension and creates a break for the couple to work through any emotional and physiological arousal that may have occurred during the time of the session.

When doing in office couples work it can often feel like you need to respond to your emotions in the moment and continue to respond to them until you work them out with your partner. This is not always true. In fact if you or your partner is emotionally flooded it is necessary to take a break from the conversation for at least 30 minutes before coming back to it. Online counseling helps to create that space to allow you to take breaks, think about how you want to respond to your emotions, and to come back to the discussion with your partner once you are more clear on how you want to respond to your emotions.

Online counseling can be a great option for busy Bay Area couples. Let’s face it, the traffic in Berkeley, Oakland and surrounding areas is a nightmare. Online counseling provides the freedom to schedule your sessions during a lunch break, before or after working hours, in off hours time for example while you are doing your laundry.

If you have any questions about online therapy and how it works, feel free to reach out via email. In January of 2020 I will be opening my calendar again to phone consultations and new client’s.

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in the state of California. Gwendolyn provides couples counseling and relationship counseling to the San Francisco Bay Area, Oakland, Berkeley, Orange County, and Los Angeles area.

The Importance of Stating a Positive Need

A big part of work in couple’s counseling is learning how to communicate in a way that your partner can hear while learning to hear what your partner is saying to you. Often times couples come to therapy frustrated with each other because they know their is a problem with their communication but they just can’t seem to figure out what the problem is or how to fix it.

Couple’s often start therapy feeling distant from their partner, feeling like their partner has checked out, and feeling hopeless because their efforts to get their needs met have gone ignored or they feel like their partner isn’t acknowledging all the effort and changes they’ve made for their partner.

Picture this: You walk in the door after a long day. You’re tired, you need to feed the kids, you just can’t wait to slip on your sweats and relax in front of the TV. As you walk down the hallway you notice dirty socks on the ground, you go into the kitchen and once again your partner has left his breakfast dishes on the counter, you go into the front room and find your partner sitting on the couch watching TV and they look up from the TV and say “Hey babe, what’s for dinner?”. Your heart starts to race, your thoughts start to race “what’s wrong with him? Why can’t he do anything around the house?” You get mad, you are tired, and you explode “What am I? The maid? Get up off your ass and make dinner.” Your partner, hurt, goes into the kitchen and quietly starts making something to eat. You feel like a jerk and retreat to the bedroom. You come out a few minutes later, changed into your comfy clothes and offer a meek apology followed by a “I need you to stop leaving the dishes on the counter”. Your partner hears that you were angry about the dishes and focuses on putting the dishes in the sink.

A week later the scenario repeats itself but this time the dishes are in the sick. You explode again and this time you say “I need for you to stop being so lazy and start helping around the house”. Your partner hears your words but feels criticized. They weren’t able to really hear what it is you were telling them because they were so focused on feeling hurt. Instead of hearing what you really needed which was “I need some help. I’m tired.” They left the conversation feeling criticized.

If not fixed this cycle repeats itself over and over with the couple feeling pushed further and further apart. After awhile one person stops trying to make changes, the other stops asking for their needs to be met, and emotional intimacy becomes scarce, and when emotional intimacy becomes scarce.

In my last blog post which you can find here, I shared a strategy to help you and your partner start to really hear each other. Today I’m talking about how to communicate in a way that will help your partner better hear what it is you are communicating.

So what does a couple do when they are in the situation I outlined above? One strategy each person in the couple can work on is making sure they are communicating their needs in a way their partner can hear. A need is simply as it sounds, something we need from our partner. A need can be a chore such as “I need you to help me do the dishes each night after dinner” or a need can be emotional “I need you to listen when I talk about my stressful day at work”. A need can even be a physical act of care such as “I need a hug”.

Sometimes we aren’t clear on what our need is, like in my story above. The partner who got upset could have been mad about the socks on the ground, the dirty dishes, the assumption that they were going to make dinner, feeling tired and seeing their partner relaxing on the couch. Many things went into that partner feeling angry. To get clear on our needs we need to first take some space from our emotions. Before reacting to the emotion, for example anger, take a moment and ask your self; what am I thinking? what am I feeling? Try and get clear on why you are feeling upset with your partner. Don’t ignore the feeling. Once you understand why you got triggered, what you are feeling and what you need then it’s time to go talk to your partner about it.

When talking to your partner you may have the urge to tell him or her all the things you want them to stop doing. This is because we can see the things that drive us nuts like the dirty socks on the ground or the dishes that were left out. We want our partners to stop doing the things that make us crazy mad. When we state our needs in a negative way our partners feel criticized and they stop listening.

If you find yourself saying “Stop leaving your socks on the ground” you may try instead “Can you please pick your socks up in the hallway. You left a dirty pair there.”, or if you find yourself saying “Why don’t you cook dinner? I do it all the time” you may try “I am noticing that I feel overwhelmed by cooking us dinner most nights. Can you take over dinner a couple of nights a week?”

Look over the statements below. See if you can identify the need in the statement and practice changing the wording around a little so that the need is stated in a more positive way.

• How come I’m the only one that plans anything for this family?

• I need you to stop just sitting there when your mom is criticizing me.

• I need you to stop putting work before everything else.

What did you notice about the statements? Some sound like criticism, some sounds like needs.

In the first statement the need is “I need you to spend more time with the family”. To change that statement to a positive need you might try something like “I’d love a family day out. How about this Saturday we do something fun. Do you have any ideas for what we can do?”

In the second statement the person is feeling hurt and needing their partner to help set boundaries with their partners mom. To state that need positively you might say “It really makes me feel angry and sad when your mom criticizes me. I need for you to step in and ask your mom to stop when she is saying unkind things”.

In the third statement the partner is expressing the need for attention. To state that need positively you might say “I miss spending time with you. Can you scale back a little at work so that you are home in time for dinner each night?”

Learning to state needs in a positive way is very hard to master. Be kind and patient with yourself as you work on mastering this communication skill.

Working with me, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I help couples to identify their communication challenges, relationship needs, and create a plan to address the couples unique needs. Whether as a couple or individual work, couples counseling or relationship counseling can have a positive impact on a relationship. You deserve to be happy, you deserve a loving relationship, call today to schedule your free 20 minute phone consultation to find out how couples therapy and relationship therapy can help you: 619-383-1900