When Your Family Makes You Feel Like a Disappointment: How to Survive Thanksgiving & the Holiday's

It’s that time of the year again, the time when our family members feel free to ask awkward questions, questions that leave us feeling like the family disappointment. You love your family but you dread this time of the year because it brings up questions about your relationship, your career choices, and discussions on all the ways you have let your family down.

You love your family but you are so tired of feeling like a disappointment.

Below are a couple of tips to help you survive the holiday’s.

1. Plan ahead. Get an idea of how long you are comfortable staying and create an exit strategy. Know what you are going to say, when you are going to say, and to whom you are going to say it in order to get out of the house. For example if you know that Thanksgiving turns into a hot mess at 8 pm, after the pumpkin pie, have a plan to get out of your family members house just before the shit hits the fan. Have a one sentence statement to announce your departure, then get out as quick as possible. Examples of one sentence statements to get out out of Thanksgiving fast: “I better get going, got to feed the cat”, “I’m signed up for an early morning exercise class so I better get going”, “I am tired, I’d better get going”, “Thanks for the wonderful meal but it’s time for me to get going”.

2. If your family is small enough, bring a board game with you. Not only will this take the attention off of you but it will also create a fun shift in the dynamics where family members can playfully compete and have fun while they wait for dinner.

3. Boundaries. Be clear on the topics that tend to upset you, get you anxious or angry. Have a one sentence go to statement to either change the subject or set a boundary. For example, if your mom likes to ask about your career then criticize you for not making a different career choice you might say “I appreciate your concern mom but I don’t want to talk about my career today”. You might have to set your boundary a few times before your family member backs off. That’s OK, just repeat your go to statement.

4. Don’t engage. Be aware that the holiday’s are frequently a triggering time for many people. Know the topics that get you upset, when they come up, change the subject, walk out of the room, or stay quiet. Seldom will engaging with the provoking family member result in you feeling better. If after the holiday’s have passed you are still struggling with your feelings about a certain conversation or issue with a relative, have a calm conversation with them then.

5. Remember, your opinion about your choices and your life is the only opinion that matters. Regardless of what you family asks, what they think, or the comments they make, at the end of the day you are the one living your life. If you can look yourself in the mirror, know that you are happy and doing a good job, then that is all that matters. Once the holiday gathering is over, reflect on your successes in life. Get out your journal or make a bullet list on your phone and write all that you are grateful for in your life, all that you have accomplished in your life, and your successes.

If the holiday’s have you stressed, therapy can help you to manage some of that stress. Learn tools to manage stress, gain insight into family dynamics and why that triggers stress for you, learn to set boundaries and much more.

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Berkeley, California. Gwendolyn is taking appointments now for mid December / early January.

The Importance of Stating a Positive Need

A big part of work in couple’s counseling is learning how to communicate in a way that your partner can hear while learning to hear what your partner is saying to you. Often times couples come to therapy frustrated with each other because they know their is a problem with their communication but they just can’t seem to figure out what the problem is or how to fix it.

Couple’s often start therapy feeling distant from their partner, feeling like their partner has checked out, and feeling hopeless because their efforts to get their needs met have gone ignored or they feel like their partner isn’t acknowledging all the effort and changes they’ve made for their partner.

Picture this: You walk in the door after a long day. You’re tired, you need to feed the kids, you just can’t wait to slip on your sweats and relax in front of the TV. As you walk down the hallway you notice dirty socks on the ground, you go into the kitchen and once again your partner has left his breakfast dishes on the counter, you go into the front room and find your partner sitting on the couch watching TV and they look up from the TV and say “Hey babe, what’s for dinner?”. Your heart starts to race, your thoughts start to race “what’s wrong with him? Why can’t he do anything around the house?” You get mad, you are tired, and you explode “What am I? The maid? Get up off your ass and make dinner.” Your partner, hurt, goes into the kitchen and quietly starts making something to eat. You feel like a jerk and retreat to the bedroom. You come out a few minutes later, changed into your comfy clothes and offer a meek apology followed by a “I need you to stop leaving the dishes on the counter”. Your partner hears that you were angry about the dishes and focuses on putting the dishes in the sink.

A week later the scenario repeats itself but this time the dishes are in the sick. You explode again and this time you say “I need for you to stop being so lazy and start helping around the house”. Your partner hears your words but feels criticized. They weren’t able to really hear what it is you were telling them because they were so focused on feeling hurt. Instead of hearing what you really needed which was “I need some help. I’m tired.” They left the conversation feeling criticized.

If not fixed this cycle repeats itself over and over with the couple feeling pushed further and further apart. After awhile one person stops trying to make changes, the other stops asking for their needs to be met, and emotional intimacy becomes scarce, and when emotional intimacy becomes scarce.

In my last blog post which you can find here, I shared a strategy to help you and your partner start to really hear each other. Today I’m talking about how to communicate in a way that will help your partner better hear what it is you are communicating.

So what does a couple do when they are in the situation I outlined above? One strategy each person in the couple can work on is making sure they are communicating their needs in a way their partner can hear. A need is simply as it sounds, something we need from our partner. A need can be a chore such as “I need you to help me do the dishes each night after dinner” or a need can be emotional “I need you to listen when I talk about my stressful day at work”. A need can even be a physical act of care such as “I need a hug”.

Sometimes we aren’t clear on what our need is, like in my story above. The partner who got upset could have been mad about the socks on the ground, the dirty dishes, the assumption that they were going to make dinner, feeling tired and seeing their partner relaxing on the couch. Many things went into that partner feeling angry. To get clear on our needs we need to first take some space from our emotions. Before reacting to the emotion, for example anger, take a moment and ask your self; what am I thinking? what am I feeling? Try and get clear on why you are feeling upset with your partner. Don’t ignore the feeling. Once you understand why you got triggered, what you are feeling and what you need then it’s time to go talk to your partner about it.

When talking to your partner you may have the urge to tell him or her all the things you want them to stop doing. This is because we can see the things that drive us nuts like the dirty socks on the ground or the dishes that were left out. We want our partners to stop doing the things that make us crazy mad. When we state our needs in a negative way our partners feel criticized and they stop listening.

If you find yourself saying “Stop leaving your socks on the ground” you may try instead “Can you please pick your socks up in the hallway. You left a dirty pair there.”, or if you find yourself saying “Why don’t you cook dinner? I do it all the time” you may try “I am noticing that I feel overwhelmed by cooking us dinner most nights. Can you take over dinner a couple of nights a week?”

Look over the statements below. See if you can identify the need in the statement and practice changing the wording around a little so that the need is stated in a more positive way.

• How come I’m the only one that plans anything for this family?

• I need you to stop just sitting there when your mom is criticizing me.

• I need you to stop putting work before everything else.

What did you notice about the statements? Some sound like criticism, some sounds like needs.

In the first statement the need is “I need you to spend more time with the family”. To change that statement to a positive need you might try something like “I’d love a family day out. How about this Saturday we do something fun. Do you have any ideas for what we can do?”

In the second statement the person is feeling hurt and needing their partner to help set boundaries with their partners mom. To state that need positively you might say “It really makes me feel angry and sad when your mom criticizes me. I need for you to step in and ask your mom to stop when she is saying unkind things”.

In the third statement the partner is expressing the need for attention. To state that need positively you might say “I miss spending time with you. Can you scale back a little at work so that you are home in time for dinner each night?”

Learning to state needs in a positive way is very hard to master. Be kind and patient with yourself as you work on mastering this communication skill.

Working with me, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I help couples to identify their communication challenges, relationship needs, and create a plan to address the couples unique needs. Whether as a couple or individual work, couples counseling or relationship counseling can have a positive impact on a relationship. You deserve to be happy, you deserve a loving relationship, call today to schedule your free 20 minute phone consultation to find out how couples therapy and relationship therapy can help you: 619-383-1900

A Simple Tool That Will Make a Huge Impact In Your Next Relationship Conflict

Most couples when they come to see me talk about their arguing, they just can’t seem to get beyond it, they don’t feel heard, and they feel like their partner just doesn’t get them. They keep having the same fights, talking about the same issues and getting no where. Often, by the time they make an appointment to see me one or both partners has shut down, stopped trying to communicate, resentment has set in and the couple is in a stalemate. In those situations we spend a lot of time in the early stages of therapy working on practicing putting down our own personal agendas and just listening to what our partner is trying to communicate.

If this sounds like you and your partner - read on to learn a tool that will help you and your partner better hear what the other person is trying to communicate.

1. Each person get’s a piece of paper or notebook to write on.

2. Decide who will be the listener first (each person will get a chance to practice speaking and listening).

3. Rules for the speaker: A) No blaming or criticizing your partner B) No “You” statements, practice using “I” statements. I feel ___ when ___. I need ___. C) State your needs positively. For example “I need you to help with the dishes after dinner” NOT “I need you to stop making such a big mess and leaving it for me to clean up”.

4. Rules for the listener: A) Set aside your agenda and just focus on what your partner is trying to communicate to you. If you find it is hard to set your agenda aside, remind yourself that you too will have a turn to speak. B) As the speaker talks, take notes. C) Tune into your partners emotions, what is it they are wanting you to understand and know about their feelings and their experiences? D) Offer validation and ask questions (if needed) to deepen your understanding of your partner’s needs. E) When your partner is done speaking, state back what you heard your partner communicating to you.

5. Switch, speaker is now listener and vice versa.

When you start off using this tool it might not feel natural to use the paper to take notes or you may notice that you are distracted by your partner taking notes. I encourage you to work through this. Writing notes has many benefits, it helps the listener to better process what is being said, it helps to defuse some tension which decreases emotional flooding, and it helps support the listener if they become flooded while stating back what they heard the speaker say.

The goal with this tool is not to have resolution or compromise, it is only to hear and understand what your partner is saying and to help your partner understand what you are saying.

Using this early on in conflict will help you and your partner avoid getting the the point of resentment and withdraw.

If you and your partner could use a little help with navigating through conflict, working with a trained Gottman couples therapist will help you to learn valuable communication skills to help you and your partner learn to fight in a constructive way. Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT is a level 2 Gottman trained therapist and will be completing level 3 in mid September. Gottman therapy is a scientifically backed couples therapy method that supports couples in building emotional connection, maintaining friendship, communicating needs, and working through conflict.

Why wait? Your relationship is worth the investment. Call today (619) 383-1900 to schedule your free 20 minute phone consultation or scroll to the bottom of the homepage and click the button to be taken to my online scheduler.

Is it ever OK to comment on someone's weight?

A client recently asked me “is it ever OK to talk to someone about their weight?”.  We had been discussing her feelings around her body and the messages that she received as a kid growing up.  This client was in the process of trying to understand how her parents apparent concern for her health had set her up for a lifetime of believing that her body was wrong.  If she couldn’t receive this message from her parents, could she receive it from anyone else?

The answer to the question “is it ever OK to talk to someone about their weight?” is long and complicated.  The short answer is no, it is never OK to talk with someone about their weight.

By talking to someone about their weight you are assigning value to that person's body based on its size.  A comment of “You look so good! Did you lose weight?” sends the message to a person that them being attractive is dependent on the size of their body.  

In turn a comment of “What happened to you?  I thought you were doing Weight Watchers” sends the message that they are not capable of managing their food and that their body screams “I can’t control myself around food”.  

Even if your comment is rooted in the desire to give a complement, think before you speak.  If you want to give a complement, what can you say that doesn’t involve their body? Sharing an appreciation for their friendship, sharing a fond memory, or talking about how important they are to you will go a lot further than a comment about their weight.

If you are genuinely concerned about the person and their weight first ask yourself if it is your place to bring up this issue.  Chances are this person is already aware of their weight struggle. They probably have already had a well meaning friend or family member comment on their weight.  They are probably already struggling with shame. Society is not subtle in its messaging to people about their bodies and their sizes.  

Check your assumptions.  Is your comment about their weight rooted in the belief that something is wrong with them.  That their weight equals a mental health concern, a lack of control, or some other issue that you don’t know to be true.  

Before speaking to someone about their weight, ask yourself what your real concern is.  A common one I hear is “I’m worried they’re depressed, they’ve gained so much weight”. Yes, sometimes people eat emotionally.  However not everyone does. The concern in that statement is not about the person’s weight. The real concern is they are depressed.  Rather than talking to the person about their weight a more effective approach would be to talk with them about the underlying concern, “I’m worried you’re depressed.  You just don’t seem happy”. Commenting on a person’s weight is more likely to add to any emotional burden that they may or may not be struggling with and is more likely to shut them down and close off communication.

In my practice I speak with many women of all shapes and sizes who have learned at one point or another that something is wrong with their body.  I work with women to unravel those stories that they have heard and sometimes created about themselves and their bodies. I help them to work through their fear of being seen in the world and help them to find value, confidence, compassion and self love for the person they are today.

Are you ready to start feeling good again?  Call today and schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation to learn more about therapy might be able to help you with your own relationship with your body.

3 Coping Skills to Try When Feeling Disappointment

It felt really vulnerable and scary.  You put yourself out there, risked being seen, and the worst case scenario happened.  Maybe you tried for that job promotion, or you asked that cute guy at the coffee shop out.  Whatever it was, you took a risk and are now left feel disappointed, self critical, and a little ashamed.  

If you are a fan of Brene Brown’s work then you know that in order to truly live life in a way that is meaningful, you’ve got to show up and risk being seen.  Congratulations! Chances are if you are reading this you already did the hard part...you risked showing up and being seen. Part of taking any risk means that sometimes we are going to fall.  So how do you pick yourself up after a fall?

1. Figure out what the story is that you are telling yourself and the belief underneath that story.  When we are going through difficult feelings we can sometimes turn the situation inwards, blame ourselves, and feel embarrassed.  To work through those difficult feelings, the feelings of shame, embarrassment, disappointment you need to understand the story you are telling yourself.  Often times self talk, our inner narrative, masks a fear; I’m not good enough, people don’t like me, I’m a failure, I’m not lovable.

In my therapy practice I frequently meet with women who have recently experienced a break up or divorce.  When exploring their self talk it frequently sounds like “I hate them”, “I can’t believe I trusted them”, “I can’t trust anyone”, “I’m all alone”, “no one will ever love me again”, “I’m so stupid to think that anyone could love me”, “I should have never let myself care”.  

In digging below these statements what my client’s often discover in therapy is that they are afraid that they are not lovable, they are afraid that they are not good enough.

2.  Re-attribute the responsibility.  What are some other potential factors that contributed to the outcome.  

Using the example above, divorce or a break up, rather than buying into the belief that you are unlovable and that is why the relationship ended, ask yourself what are some other reasons for the break up?  Is it that the two of you grew apart, maybe your life started to take off and your partners life stayed stagnant. That will cause conflict in the relationship. Maybe your goals changed...he wanted kids and you never imagined wanting children.  Is it possible that alone you are great, alone your partner is great, but together the two of you are like oil and vinegar - you just don’t mix. Or perhaps no matter how hard you tried, you could never fully get to the point where the two of you were actually communicating.  

There are many things that contribute to an outcome.

3.  Focus on your success.  You took a risk, it didn’t pay off - no shame in that game.  Failure doesn’t mean anything bad about you. Failure doesn’t mean anything about the type of person you are.  Failure doesn’t mean anything about your future. Taking a risk, asking for what you want means that you are a courageous bad ass.  That’s something to celebrate, not feel bad about. When you catch yourself falling into the trap of judging yourself, feel embarrassed because you took a risk and showed up to life I want you to repeat this mantra “I am a courageous bad ass who deserves amazing things in my life”.

Want a little guidance moving beyond your disappointment? When you do therapy with me, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, I work with women who have experienced disappointment in many forms; job loss, relationships ending, loss of a dream like having children, putting yourself out there for a raise or promotion. Most of these disappointments are temporary but can have an emotional impact on your self worth and confidence. I can help you get to the root of what is going on, why you are feeling disappointment and I can help you move beyond that hurt, shame, and discomfort. Call 619-383-1900 to schedule a free 15 minute consultation today.