Attachment Styles and What that Means for Your Relationship

How your parents raised you might have to do with why you are fighting so much with your partner

What is attachment?  The way our parents and caregivers treat us when we are babies, children, and teens informs our attachment style.  When we are infants and children we are dependent on our caregivers for basic needs and the way they treat us (lovingly, dismissively, overly engaged, etc.) affects the way we are able to attach to others when we are adults.  Attachment is the emotional bond we form with others.

Your attachment pattern can affect the way you relate to your partner.

There are four main types of attachment styles.

Secure Attachment:  In a relationship these are the people that are comfortable with themselves, comfortable with their feelings, and comfortable asking for what they need and want.  They have clear boundaries, aren’t afraid to express their feelings to their partners, and easily show vulnerability to their partners.

Avoidant Attachment:  In a relationship these are the people that tend to guard their thoughts and emotions.  They don’t easily share what they are feeling or thinking and they try and solve personal issues on their own.  When a problem comes up in a relationship or if they perceive themselves as being rejected by their partner, avoidant attachment people will tend to run for the door.  It is extremely difficult for people with this attachment style to express their feelings. When asked or pressured to share their feelings they might even have a difficult time identifying the feeling they are having.  

Anxious Attachment:  In a relationship a person who has anxious attachment will seek high levels of intimacy and attachment but then will worry that their partner doesn’t want to be with them.  When a problem comes up in the relationship or if the feel that they are being rejected by their partner they may aggressively demand reassurance, use blame tactics, or become emotionally dysregulated (bursts of anger, threatening to leave, and other forms of emotional manipulation) in an effort to engage and re-attach with their partner.  

Fearful Avoidant Attachment:  This attachment style frequently occurs (but not always) when a person has experienced trauma in their life.  They have learned that it is dangerous to get close to people (both physically and psychologically dangerous).  In a relationship these people tend to swing from one extreme to the other, desire a close and intimate relationship and then when becoming fearful they push away from their partner.  It is difficult for people with this attachment style to trust and as such they don’t feel comfortable with their feelings or with being vulnerable.

Your attachment style and your partner’s attachment style can have a big impact on the way the two of you connect.  For example when in a fight the avoidant person may withdraw emotionally from the argument while the anxious person may try to overly attach to their partner.  When the anxious person doesn’t get the reassurance they are looking for they may in turn become angry, escalating the conflict. No one way is right or wrong, each person in the relationship is seeking their own way to resolve the fight and get their needs met when experiencing heightened emotions.  Because these two styles don’t match up it may result in making the problem worse for the couple.

Being aware of your own attachment style and your partner’s attachment style can help you to better understand your partner’s needs, see the issue or argument in a different light, and foster a greater sense of empathy for each other.

Were you able to find your attachment style in this list?  How about your partners?

5 Affirmations For Anxiety

We’ve been talking a lot about anxiety on the blog the past couple of weeks.  Hopefully you’ve had a chance to try some of the strategies I’ve shared and have found at least one new skill to help you calm your anxiety.  If not, that’s ok. In therapy we do a lot of work finding the “right” strategies for your specific need. This means that sometimes clients have to try a lot of different things before they find something that helps.  

Today I’m sharing with you 5 affirmations for you to say to yourself when you are feeling anxious.  Affirmations are a great way to disrupt an uncontrollable thought pattern or to disrupt a thought that is on a loop.  Affirmations can also help you start to rewire the brain so that you experience more calm throughout your day. Once the brain recognizes the affirmation as a calming statement (takes time and lots of practice), saying your affirmation one time can bring a feeling of instant calm.

When using any of these affirmations, choose just one to work with.  Say it over and over to yourself until you have it memorized. Practice saying the affirmation as you walk, from your car to your office, from your desk to lunch, around the house.  Put the affirmation on a piece of paper and place the paper in your wallet or tape it in a place you will see it throughout the day. When you feel anxious, close your eyes (if you feel comfortable and are in a safe place to do so), focus on your breath and say the affirmation over and over to yourself.  

Remember, pick just one affirmation to work with for a couple of days.    

1. I am calm, I am safe.

2. I am doing the best that I can.

3. I trust that everything will be OK.

4. I feel calm, I feel in control, I am OK.

5. I am safe, I am OK.

If none of these affirmations resonate with you, make your own.  Choose a statement that helps to calm your specific anxiety trigger or worry.  Make sure it is short and easy to remember.

One final note on affirmations.  When you start saying/using your affirmations you might feel like it feels fake.  That’s OK. Keep working with the affirmation. What you are doing when using an affirmation is working to rewire your brain for calm.  It may feel uncomfortable or not true at first. That’s to be expected.

If you would like personalized support with your anxiety, I am happy to help.  I have some available appointment times both in office or online. When you are ready to get started, call 619-383-1900 to schedule your appointment.

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist located in San Diego, California.

How to Stop Feeling Anxious - 3 Quick Strategies to Try When You are Over Taken by Anxiety

When you’re in the middle of anxiety it can be hard to know what to do to help yourself gain control and to calm the anxiety.  Here are 3 quick strategies to try that may help you when you are feeling anxious.

1. Breath - Take a moment and tune into your breath.  Notice if you are holding your breath or taking shallow breaths.  Breath in for a slow count of 4, filling up your lungs, belly and chest with air.  Hold that breath for a slow count of 6. Slowly release that breath for a slow count of 8.  Don’t worry if you can’t release the breath for that slow count of 8, work up to it. Repeat the process at least 3 times in a row.

2. Ground - In a seated position put your feet on the ground, gently press you feet into the ground, noticing all the areas where your feet and the floor meet.  Take a moment to feel your leg muscles and notice how they contract as you root to the ground. Close your eyes if this helps you to focus. Aim to sit with feet grounded and gently pushing to the floor for 3 minutes.

3. Muscle tension - put your palms together and push your hands together.  Notice your muscles tensing in your arms and chest. Push for 15 - 20 seconds then release.  Repeat at least 3 times.

Choose one strategy to work on this week and practice it at least 5 times a day when you are not feeling anxious.  You don’t have to practice it 5 times in a row, 5 times throughout the day should do the trick. Practicing when you are not anxious will help you to remember to use the skill when you are experiencing anxiety.

If you notice that you are feeling anxious more than normal and are having a hard time working through the anxiety, a therapist may be able to help.  I have seen first hand how therapy has helped my clients to gain some control over their anxiety and to help them start managing their anxiety on a daily basis.  When you're ready, I'm here to help you.  To make an appointment call (619) 383-1900 or go to www.GwendolynNelsonTerry.com to find out more information on how therapy can help you.  

5 Great Things That Happen When You Start Working On Your Anxiety

Change is hard.  Change is especially hard when you don’t feel good, when you are in an anxious state and struggling to focus and to sort out thoughts.  Making any change to feel better can feel overwhelming, that’s why I like to encourage focusing on small changes over time. The idea is that by choosing one small goal or one small change to make, this change can be sustainable.  Once that change is in place, you choose another one to make and over time all of these little changes add up to a big change in how you are feeling. Curious about what some of those changes might be? Stay tuned as I will be sharing some of those in upcoming blog posts.

When things get hard it can be easy to stop working on making changes to improve how you are feeling.  To keep focused on your goal of feeling less anxious I’ve made a list of 5 great things that can happen to you when you start to work on your anxiety.

1. You sleep better - learning sleep hygiene and how to silence those anxious thoughts and worry at bedtime are a big part of what you work on in therapy when you seek help for anxiety.  Many client’s report that once they start sleeping better they experience less anxiety. Client’s report feeling rested, better able to handle stress, better able to meet the demands of their job, improved relationships with their partner and co-workers, and they attribute a lot of those positive changes to sleeping better and learning how to manage their anxious thoughts at night time.

2. You get more done because you can actually focus on what’s in front of you.  People who struggle with anxiety are often thinking about what might happen in the future.  They are consumed with thoughts of “what if I can’t pick the kids up on time”, “what if I get fired”, “I gave Jenny and mean look when we were walking in, what if she says something to me later about it”.  Or they’re living in the past, thinking thoughts like “I’m a bad mom. I can’t believe I snapped at the kids this morning before I left”. These thoughts make it hard to focus on completing the task in front of you, whatever it may be.

3. You start to learn to identify the things that are within your control and you start learning how to let go of the stuff that’s out of your control.  This is another thing you learn in therapy. Your therapist will help you to see how you are worrying about and taking responsibility for things that are either not in your control or are not yours to take responsibility for.  You learn how to catch yourself worrying about those things and you start using coping skills to accept what you can’t control. Overtime you begin to start letting go of things that are not in your control. The other benefit of this skill is that you start to focus your energy on the things you can control.  You start to identify solutions and create plans that actually start to help move you towards your goal of feeling better.

4. You start to take better care of yourself.  You learn skills to cope with anxiety, you start to practice things like yoga and meditation, and you realize that these things actually care for you in more ways than one.  You start to gain real experience with self care and realize that true self care is more than a fancy bubble bath every once in awhile.

5. You spend more time with friends and you enjoy that time because you are present, not worried, and you have given yourself permission to be with your friends.  You stop worrying about the kids being home with their dad, you stop worrying about making lunches and if your partner will make the right lunch for the kids, you stop thinking about what a good mom is and isn’t and you start to become yourself, the woman and mom who is actually perfect just the way she is.

Remember, change doesn’t happen overnight.  It takes consistent effort, practice, and patience with yourself as you learn how to handle your anxiety in new ways.  

If you notice that you are struggling with anxiety or are feeling higher levels of stress than are normal, talk to a therapist.  You can learn to manage anxiety and you can learn skills to help you work through anxiety when it does come up.

If you are struggling with anxiety, I would love to help you.  I am located on the border of Hillcrest and University Heights, down the street from the Sprouts Market and have a couple of openings for new client’s.  Contact me today for a free 15 minute phone consultation or to schedule an appointment. I look forward to talking with you.

Exciting Updates

Things are changing around here!  

I'm sorry I have been a little bad about being consistent with my blogging lately.  Next week I will return to posting regularly on Wednesday mornings.  In the meantime I have been contributing to online blogs, you probably read the one from last week that I posted "Tips for Talking to Your Therapist" and this week I have another great one for you to read.  This article is all about being vulnerable in your relationship, such a hard thing to do!  It's from the Bustle website and features tips from many different therapist's and some comments from yours truly.  Here is a link to the article if you are interested What To Do If You're Having a Hard Time Being Vulnerable In a Relationship also on Bustle 13 Small Changes You Can Make this Weekend to Reduce Your Anxiety.

As for what's new around here, I'm now offering online therapy to clients.  I know how busy life can get, especially for parents and working women trying to have it all.  I respect that you have a hustle and need to get shit done.  The great thing about online therapy is the flexibility it allows with scheduling.  Lunch hour sessions, no problem.  Sessions before you go to work, girl, I'm an early riser and can get online for a 7 am session if that works for you.  I also reserve a limited number of evening spots for my online peeps.  Send me an email if you want to schedule a session and try it out - Gwendolyn@GwendolynNelsonTerry.com

The other thing that's new around here is that I now accept Cigna health insurance and I hope to be able to start taking MHN and Tricare insurance soon.  Check back for updates if you are wanting to use your MHN or Tricare insurance.

By the way - Most Cigna plans will cover online therapy sessions.

That's it for me today.  I hope you all are having a wonderful week and I hope everyone has an amazing weekend.  Next week, blogs will start being posted on Wednesday mornings again.

Interested in giving online therapy a try or ready to schedule a session to meet in my office?  Call today to schedule your session and get started on the path to feeling better (619)383-1900.