Attachment Styles - Why Yours May Be Causing Conflict In Your Relationship

You and your partner have a pattern, it may look like this:  You are feeling restless, you think it’s because of your relationship.  You start to wonder what is wrong in your relationship. You question if your partner is cheating on you, if they’ve fallen out of love with you, if they are no longer interested in you sexually.  You start to question if you’ve gained weight, if you are boring. All this anxiety in your head causes you to start to cling to your partner. You start to question them more about where they’ve been, do they find you attractive, “how come we don’t have sex anymore?”.  You plan date nights, but lingerie. The more you try, the more your partner pulls back. They ignore you, change the subject, become more focused on the TV, computer, everything else but you. All of your efforts seem to drive away your partner.  

Or maybe your pattern looks more like this:  Your partner brings up a conflict with you. They didn’t do the best job of bringing it up in a gentle way.  You’re angry at them, you feel defensive, you can’t really put words to your feelings but your pissed and you are shutting down.  Your head goes blank, you really don’t know what to say, you aren’t really even listening to your partner anymore. Your partner gets more angry, raises their voice, acts more desperate to get your attention but it doesn’t work because you’ve gone into panic mode and have checked out.  The conflict escalates until someone or both of you explodes and says something that you or they regret. Both of you retreat, don’t talk about the issue, no resolution has taken place.

These are just two common patterns I see in couples.  You may not realize it but both of these patterns are caused by attachment wounds and fear of abandonment.

There are 3 types of attachment; secure, anxious, and avoidant.  Attachment is formed in our childhood through our relationships with our primary caregivers.  

As you might have guessed, we aim for secure attachment.  Someone with secure attachment is comfortable with their own feelings, comfortable with their partners feelings, enjoys intimacy and closeness but also values independence (theirs and their partners).

Most of us are anxious or avoidant.  People with anxious attachment styles tend to be anxious in their relationships and tend to personalize their partners interactions.  To feel secure in their relationship they tend to need frequent re-assurance from their partner, attention, and intimacy. When their partner pulls away or expresses a need for independence this makes the anxious person hold on tighter.

Avoidant attachment style people tend to value their freedom over their relationships.  When they get close to intimacy and vulnerability they have the urge to push away. People who fall into this category often times are uncomfortable with their own feelings or their partners feelings.

These attachment styles can make it challenging to be in a relationship.  For example, the classic dance I see in couples therapy is an anxious person who is in a relationship with an avoidant person.  The push, pull of this pairing can create much conflict.

Another common mixing that I see in my work with couples is a mix of avoidant and secure.  Frequently the secure person is confused by the avoidant person’s apparent lack of interest in the relationship.  This pairing often comes to couples therapy saying that the relationship lacks emotional intimacy.

What can a couple do if they are finding themselves in an incompatible attachment style relationship?  I first want to say that attachment styles can be changed. By learning to understand our emotions, and getting comfortable with uncomfortable emotions, and learning how to express and manage our emotions in a healthy way we can start to make the transition over to a secure attachment style.

Another option is to work on attachment styles together, with your partner, in couples therapy.  Couples therapy can help you to learn how to communicate with your partner in a way that they can hear.  Couples therapy can also teach you tools on how to hear what your partner is communicating with you. Beyond the basics of listening, couples therapy can also help you to learn how to negotiate for your needs in your relationship, help you to learn how to navigate conflict (because conflict is normal), and couples therapy can help you learn how to reconnect with your partner following a conflict.

It’s true that attachment styles can cause conflict in relationships.  However, if we can learn to understand, express our feelings in a healthy way, and learn to communicate with our partner we can create meaningful and healthy relationships, no matter what our or our partner’s attachment style is.  When we learn to understand our feelings and communicate with our partner it is entirely possible to work through conflict with our partner in a way that brings about resolution.

It is possible to have a healthy, meaningful, and fulfilling relationship. 

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT can help you to understand your relationship patterns and how those patterns may be getting in the way of you having the relationship that you want.

Call today (619) 383-1900 to schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation.  Or go to the home page and click on the button to schedule your consultation today.

Is it ever OK to comment on someone's weight?

A client recently asked me “is it ever OK to talk to someone about their weight?”.  We had been discussing her feelings around her body and the messages that she received as a kid growing up.  This client was in the process of trying to understand how her parents apparent concern for her health had set her up for a lifetime of believing that her body was wrong.  If she couldn’t receive this message from her parents, could she receive it from anyone else?

The answer to the question “is it ever OK to talk to someone about their weight?” is long and complicated.  The short answer is no, it is never OK to talk with someone about their weight.

By talking to someone about their weight you are assigning value to that person's body based on its size.  A comment of “You look so good! Did you lose weight?” sends the message to a person that them being attractive is dependent on the size of their body.  

In turn a comment of “What happened to you?  I thought you were doing Weight Watchers” sends the message that they are not capable of managing their food and that their body screams “I can’t control myself around food”.  

Even if your comment is rooted in the desire to give a complement, think before you speak.  If you want to give a complement, what can you say that doesn’t involve their body? Sharing an appreciation for their friendship, sharing a fond memory, or talking about how important they are to you will go a lot further than a comment about their weight.

If you are genuinely concerned about the person and their weight first ask yourself if it is your place to bring up this issue.  Chances are this person is already aware of their weight struggle. They probably have already had a well meaning friend or family member comment on their weight.  They are probably already struggling with shame. Society is not subtle in its messaging to people about their bodies and their sizes.  

Check your assumptions.  Is your comment about their weight rooted in the belief that something is wrong with them.  That their weight equals a mental health concern, a lack of control, or some other issue that you don’t know to be true.  

Before speaking to someone about their weight, ask yourself what your real concern is.  A common one I hear is “I’m worried they’re depressed, they’ve gained so much weight”. Yes, sometimes people eat emotionally.  However not everyone does. The concern in that statement is not about the person’s weight. The real concern is they are depressed.  Rather than talking to the person about their weight a more effective approach would be to talk with them about the underlying concern, “I’m worried you’re depressed.  You just don’t seem happy”. Commenting on a person’s weight is more likely to add to any emotional burden that they may or may not be struggling with and is more likely to shut them down and close off communication.

In my practice I speak with many women of all shapes and sizes who have learned at one point or another that something is wrong with their body.  I work with women to unravel those stories that they have heard and sometimes created about themselves and their bodies. I help them to work through their fear of being seen in the world and help them to find value, confidence, compassion and self love for the person they are today.

Are you ready to start feeling good again?  Call today and schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation to learn more about therapy might be able to help you with your own relationship with your body.

Going to the Doctors for Anti-Depression Medication

Life is challenging, no doubt about it.  Moving, loss of job, having children, children leaving the house, changes in relationships, changes in hormones due to pregnancy or menopause...all things that have the potential to send us into depression.  

By the time we are adults most of us have had some experience with depression, we know the feeling and we know how deeply it can pull a person down.  More often than not some lifestyle changes, rest, or putting something fun on the calendar can pull us out of depression. When those things don’t work we reach out to a therapist for support.  A therapist is a great place to start if you are having symptoms of depression. A therapist can assess your symptoms of depression, diagnose you with depression, and help you to start working on feeling better.  

Often times a therapist will refer a client to their doctor to rule out any biological contributions.  This means that the therapist is encouraging you to check in with your doctor to see if your depression is hormonal related, bio-chemically related, or if you can benefit from antidepressant medication.  Taking anti-depressants is a personal decision that is entirely up to you. I always encourage my client’s to gather as much information as possible before making a decision and feel that knowing all of your options is always best.

What happens when you go to the doctor for depression medication?

Each doctor is going to have a different protocol but in general you doctor will ask you about your symptoms to assess how much you are struggling with depression.  

Some questions that your doctor may ask you are:

• Over the past 2 weeks have you struggled with a loss of interest in doing things you once enjoyed?

• Over the past 2 weeks how often have you had feelings of hopelessness, depression, or feeling down?

• Have you had trouble staying asleep or sleeping to much?

• Have you had difficulty concentrating?

As uncomfortable as it might be I encourage you to answer these questions as truthfully as possible.  Giving your doctor the full picture of how you are feeling will help your doctor identify the best way to help you.  

At this point your doctor may feel that they have enough information to provide you with a prescription.  Sometimes a doctor will take a blood sample to check for increase or decreased hormone levels, hypothyroidism, anemia, or low vitamin D.  

Some questions to ask your doctor about antidepressants?

• What are the side effects of this prescription?

• What should I do if I decide I can’t handle the side effects?

• How will I know if the antidepressant is working?

• How long before I start to notice a change in my depression?

Getting the right antidepressant medication is a process.  Often times the initial prescription or dosage is not the right fit for the client.  Be patient, keep an open dialogue with your doctor.

If you are seeing a therapist during this time, make sure that you inform your therapist of the medication you are taking as it might change your treatment plan in therapy.

Depression doesn’t have to be a life long struggle. You absolutely can feel happy again. Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT can help you to get to the root of your depression and anxiety, find hope again, and to start feeling better so that you can get back to enjoying your life.

Call (619) 383-1900 or click the link on the homepage to schedule your free 15 minute phone consultation today.

Signs of Depression

I think I have depression but I’m not sure.

Let me start this blog by saying all feelings are normal.  All of them. Sadness, anger, frustration, fear, anxiety, happiness, joy...all normal.  For this reason, to some extent depression is normal too. Short periods of depression for say a couple of hours, a day or two, even sometimes up to a week is normal.  Knowing the signs and symptoms of depression can help you decide when it is time to reach out for support from your doctor or a trained therapist.

Difficulty getting out of bed:  This goes beyond the “I’m tired and want to press the snooze button” feeling that we all get from time to time.  This could mean that you can’t physically get out of bed but you are also not tired. This could mean that you feel stuck in bed.  Difficulty getting out of bed can also mean you are tired and want to sleep longer. One of my clients described her experience to me as the bed being a magnet that is holding down every part of her body; alert, present, but not able to physically peel herself out of bed.

Sleeping too much or difficulty staying asleep:  Depression is exhausting. Everything takes so much effort.  Getting out of bed, brushing your hair, making it to work or school is a huge accomplishment.  Sleeping more often because you are tired or trying to escape your life is a symptom of depression.  

Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep is also a symptom of depression.  It is not uncommon for depression and anxiety to go hand in hand. Sometimes the difficulty in sleeping is due to being anxious that you won’t sleep, sometimes it is due to the distress of having depression, sometimes it is due to your sleep schedule being off from overcompensating for being tired.  

Irritability, being short with your friends and family and feeling like you have no patience.  It has been my experience that irritability tends to show up primarily in low level, long term depression.  This is because the person has been unhappy with life for awhile, is feeling stuck, and as the depression wears on, their patience for life and for people begins to wear down.  

Feelings of low self esteem, guilt, worthlessness.  When a person is depressed they can get down on themselves for the things they aren’t doing.  They might start to feel worthless, guilty, and useless because they can’t show up to life in the way that they did before their depression.  If they used to cook dinner every night for their family but now can’t because of their depression they might start to have thoughts like “I’m worthless.  I’m the worst mom. I can’t believe I’m doing this to my kids and partner”.

These are just a few symptoms of depression.  When you meet with a therapist they will ask questions about your symptoms to get a full picture of how you are struggling.  It can take a few sessions for your therapist to understand what you are dealing with, the way that your life is being impacted, and how/where the depression comes from.  

It’s OK and appropriate for you to ask your therapist how they can help you, how therapy will help you to start to feel better.

When people make an appointment with me, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT I end the first session by sharing with that person my clinical insights.  This means that I share with them trends I notice like depression or anxiety, I talk about my approach to treating their issue, I talk about initial goals for helping them to start feeling better and I answer any questions they might have.  Doing this for my clients helps for us to define a path for them to start feeling better, it helps them to make an informed decision about how to spend their time and money, and it helps the client to determine if I am the right therapist for their specific need.

To schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation go to my website: www.GwendolynNelsonTerry.com.  If you’re ready to schedule your first appointment call 619-383-1900 or email me at gwendolyn@gwendolynnelsonterry.com

When is it time to leave my relationship?

One of the most common issues that I work on with women in my therapy practice is helping them to understand the dis-satisfaction they have in their relationship.  Often my clients will ask me what are the signs that they should leave their partner. There is no magic formula for making this decision and what I mostly end up telling them is to take their time, gather as much evidence as they can about the relationship and the state it is in, and be confident in their decision to stay or go.

While there is no magic formula to help you to decide if you should stay or go there are some warning signs that tend to mean that the relationship will be harder to get back on track.

First, weak fondness and admiration.  Simply put if you don’t like your partner, if you don’t enjoy being around them or if they don’t like or enjoy being around you then it makes it hard to want to work on the relationship.  The foundation for any good relationship is friendship and liking the other person. When fondness and admiration are in place you are more likely to want to invest the time and effort into improving the relationship.  

Every couple has a story of how they met.  Happy couples look at the story of how they met with some joy and with a smile on their face.  If you or your partner start focusing more on the me-ness of your time together, if your story focus has shifted from a partnership to a one person show.  If you or your partner tell the story of your relationship with impersonal details, without humor or vivid memories this is a sign that the relationship has gotten way off course.

Relationship Struggles push you apart:  Relationships are hard and they take work.  Happy couples tend to look back on relationship struggles with pride because they can see that they overcame a struggle and they can see the growth they made as a couple through that difficult time in their relationship.

Your relationship falls short of your expectations and you just can’t seem to move beyond it.  Your relationship is never going to be as great as the romantic comedies you love to watch, those aren’t realistic representations of relationships.  Relationship have ups and downs. As you get to know your partner he or she will reveal to you some personality quirks that you may not like. You’ll get annoyed with each other.  Your body will change over time, their body will change over time. These are all normal sources of discomfort in a relationship. Asking yourself if you are happy with your decision to stay in your relationship can reveal a lot about where you are emotionally.  If you’re happy with the decision you made to get married that says something. If in your heart and gut you aren’t happy...well then it might be some time to make some changes.

Knowing what to do in your relationship is seldom a clear cut answer.  Therapy can help you to understand your relationship patterns, can help you to gain some insight into relationship problems and can help you to better understand your emotions and needs within the relationship.  Call 619-383-1900 today to schedule your free 15 minute phone consultation and find out how therapy can help you in your relationship.