Does Online Counseling Really Work?

Does online counseling really work?

This is one of the most common questions I get. Online counseling absolutely does work and often times can be even more effective than doing in office counseling.

How online counseling works

Online counseling works much like in office counseling works only you meet with your therapist using a HIPAA compliant website or program (think Zoom) that allows you and your therapist to both see and hear each other.

The therapist is still able to read your emotions, make connections with you, and help you towards your therapy goal.

Sometimes online counseling can be more effective than in office therapy.

When doing couples therapy, it is not uncommon for couple’s to come into therapy having tried couples therapy once before only to have a bad experience that left them leaving the office and continuing to fight.

With online counseling you and your partner do not need to be in the same place. This sometimes can help to defuse the emotional tension and creates a break for the couple to work through any emotional and physiological arousal that may have occurred during the time of the session.

When doing in office couples work it can often feel like you need to respond to your emotions in the moment and continue to respond to them until you work them out with your partner. This is not always true. In fact if you or your partner is emotionally flooded it is necessary to take a break from the conversation for at least 30 minutes before coming back to it. Online counseling helps to create that space to allow you to take breaks, think about how you want to respond to your emotions, and to come back to the discussion with your partner once you are more clear on how you want to respond to your emotions.

Online counseling can be a great option for busy Bay Area couples. Let’s face it, the traffic in Berkeley, Oakland and surrounding areas is a nightmare. Online counseling provides the freedom to schedule your sessions during a lunch break, before or after working hours, in off hours time for example while you are doing your laundry.

If you have any questions about online therapy and how it works, feel free to reach out via email. In January of 2020 I will be opening my calendar again to phone consultations and new client’s.

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in the state of California. Gwendolyn provides couples counseling and relationship counseling to the San Francisco Bay Area, Oakland, Berkeley, Orange County, and Los Angeles area.

The Importance of Stating a Positive Need

A big part of work in couple’s counseling is learning how to communicate in a way that your partner can hear while learning to hear what your partner is saying to you. Often times couples come to therapy frustrated with each other because they know their is a problem with their communication but they just can’t seem to figure out what the problem is or how to fix it.

Couple’s often start therapy feeling distant from their partner, feeling like their partner has checked out, and feeling hopeless because their efforts to get their needs met have gone ignored or they feel like their partner isn’t acknowledging all the effort and changes they’ve made for their partner.

Picture this: You walk in the door after a long day. You’re tired, you need to feed the kids, you just can’t wait to slip on your sweats and relax in front of the TV. As you walk down the hallway you notice dirty socks on the ground, you go into the kitchen and once again your partner has left his breakfast dishes on the counter, you go into the front room and find your partner sitting on the couch watching TV and they look up from the TV and say “Hey babe, what’s for dinner?”. Your heart starts to race, your thoughts start to race “what’s wrong with him? Why can’t he do anything around the house?” You get mad, you are tired, and you explode “What am I? The maid? Get up off your ass and make dinner.” Your partner, hurt, goes into the kitchen and quietly starts making something to eat. You feel like a jerk and retreat to the bedroom. You come out a few minutes later, changed into your comfy clothes and offer a meek apology followed by a “I need you to stop leaving the dishes on the counter”. Your partner hears that you were angry about the dishes and focuses on putting the dishes in the sink.

A week later the scenario repeats itself but this time the dishes are in the sick. You explode again and this time you say “I need for you to stop being so lazy and start helping around the house”. Your partner hears your words but feels criticized. They weren’t able to really hear what it is you were telling them because they were so focused on feeling hurt. Instead of hearing what you really needed which was “I need some help. I’m tired.” They left the conversation feeling criticized.

If not fixed this cycle repeats itself over and over with the couple feeling pushed further and further apart. After awhile one person stops trying to make changes, the other stops asking for their needs to be met, and emotional intimacy becomes scarce, and when emotional intimacy becomes scarce.

In my last blog post which you can find here, I shared a strategy to help you and your partner start to really hear each other. Today I’m talking about how to communicate in a way that will help your partner better hear what it is you are communicating.

So what does a couple do when they are in the situation I outlined above? One strategy each person in the couple can work on is making sure they are communicating their needs in a way their partner can hear. A need is simply as it sounds, something we need from our partner. A need can be a chore such as “I need you to help me do the dishes each night after dinner” or a need can be emotional “I need you to listen when I talk about my stressful day at work”. A need can even be a physical act of care such as “I need a hug”.

Sometimes we aren’t clear on what our need is, like in my story above. The partner who got upset could have been mad about the socks on the ground, the dirty dishes, the assumption that they were going to make dinner, feeling tired and seeing their partner relaxing on the couch. Many things went into that partner feeling angry. To get clear on our needs we need to first take some space from our emotions. Before reacting to the emotion, for example anger, take a moment and ask your self; what am I thinking? what am I feeling? Try and get clear on why you are feeling upset with your partner. Don’t ignore the feeling. Once you understand why you got triggered, what you are feeling and what you need then it’s time to go talk to your partner about it.

When talking to your partner you may have the urge to tell him or her all the things you want them to stop doing. This is because we can see the things that drive us nuts like the dirty socks on the ground or the dishes that were left out. We want our partners to stop doing the things that make us crazy mad. When we state our needs in a negative way our partners feel criticized and they stop listening.

If you find yourself saying “Stop leaving your socks on the ground” you may try instead “Can you please pick your socks up in the hallway. You left a dirty pair there.”, or if you find yourself saying “Why don’t you cook dinner? I do it all the time” you may try “I am noticing that I feel overwhelmed by cooking us dinner most nights. Can you take over dinner a couple of nights a week?”

Look over the statements below. See if you can identify the need in the statement and practice changing the wording around a little so that the need is stated in a more positive way.

• How come I’m the only one that plans anything for this family?

• I need you to stop just sitting there when your mom is criticizing me.

• I need you to stop putting work before everything else.

What did you notice about the statements? Some sound like criticism, some sounds like needs.

In the first statement the need is “I need you to spend more time with the family”. To change that statement to a positive need you might try something like “I’d love a family day out. How about this Saturday we do something fun. Do you have any ideas for what we can do?”

In the second statement the person is feeling hurt and needing their partner to help set boundaries with their partners mom. To state that need positively you might say “It really makes me feel angry and sad when your mom criticizes me. I need for you to step in and ask your mom to stop when she is saying unkind things”.

In the third statement the partner is expressing the need for attention. To state that need positively you might say “I miss spending time with you. Can you scale back a little at work so that you are home in time for dinner each night?”

Learning to state needs in a positive way is very hard to master. Be kind and patient with yourself as you work on mastering this communication skill.

Working with me, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I help couples to identify their communication challenges, relationship needs, and create a plan to address the couples unique needs. Whether as a couple or individual work, couples counseling or relationship counseling can have a positive impact on a relationship. You deserve to be happy, you deserve a loving relationship, call today to schedule your free 20 minute phone consultation to find out how couples therapy and relationship therapy can help you: 619-383-1900

A Simple Tool That Will Make a Huge Impact In Your Next Relationship Conflict

Most couples when they come to see me talk about their arguing, they just can’t seem to get beyond it, they don’t feel heard, and they feel like their partner just doesn’t get them. They keep having the same fights, talking about the same issues and getting no where. Often, by the time they make an appointment to see me one or both partners has shut down, stopped trying to communicate, resentment has set in and the couple is in a stalemate. In those situations we spend a lot of time in the early stages of therapy working on practicing putting down our own personal agendas and just listening to what our partner is trying to communicate.

If this sounds like you and your partner - read on to learn a tool that will help you and your partner better hear what the other person is trying to communicate.

1. Each person get’s a piece of paper or notebook to write on.

2. Decide who will be the listener first (each person will get a chance to practice speaking and listening).

3. Rules for the speaker: A) No blaming or criticizing your partner B) No “You” statements, practice using “I” statements. I feel ___ when ___. I need ___. C) State your needs positively. For example “I need you to help with the dishes after dinner” NOT “I need you to stop making such a big mess and leaving it for me to clean up”.

4. Rules for the listener: A) Set aside your agenda and just focus on what your partner is trying to communicate to you. If you find it is hard to set your agenda aside, remind yourself that you too will have a turn to speak. B) As the speaker talks, take notes. C) Tune into your partners emotions, what is it they are wanting you to understand and know about their feelings and their experiences? D) Offer validation and ask questions (if needed) to deepen your understanding of your partner’s needs. E) When your partner is done speaking, state back what you heard your partner communicating to you.

5. Switch, speaker is now listener and vice versa.

When you start off using this tool it might not feel natural to use the paper to take notes or you may notice that you are distracted by your partner taking notes. I encourage you to work through this. Writing notes has many benefits, it helps the listener to better process what is being said, it helps to defuse some tension which decreases emotional flooding, and it helps support the listener if they become flooded while stating back what they heard the speaker say.

The goal with this tool is not to have resolution or compromise, it is only to hear and understand what your partner is saying and to help your partner understand what you are saying.

Using this early on in conflict will help you and your partner avoid getting the the point of resentment and withdraw.

If you and your partner could use a little help with navigating through conflict, working with a trained Gottman couples therapist will help you to learn valuable communication skills to help you and your partner learn to fight in a constructive way. Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT is a level 2 Gottman trained therapist and will be completing level 3 in mid September. Gottman therapy is a scientifically backed couples therapy method that supports couples in building emotional connection, maintaining friendship, communicating needs, and working through conflict.

Why wait? Your relationship is worth the investment. Call today (619) 383-1900 to schedule your free 20 minute phone consultation or scroll to the bottom of the homepage and click the button to be taken to my online scheduler.

How to Handle it When You or Your Partner Shuts Down During a Fight

John Gottman calls it Diffuse Physiological Arousal that state that a person goes into when they have started to emotionally flood and they are starting to shut down emotionally and physically. During Diffuse Physiological Arousal we might experience a racing heart, we might feel tense, we might go into what feels like fight, flight or freeze.

The 4 Horsemen - criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling tend to show up during Diffuse Physiological Arousal (DPA). This is because we (or our partners) are having a hard time managing the emotional flooding and are seeking ways to pull back or push away.

People who are in DPA have lost the ability to listen, some report hearing music or white noise, others report it being completely silent. People in DPA also can’t access their sense of humor, a key component to being able to navigate through conflict. Additionally when we are in the state of DPA we can’t give or receive affection which means any attempt by our partners to help us soothe or any attempt we make to soothe our partner is often overlooked and not helpful.

We can tell when our partner is in DPA because they start to show us the 4 horsemen by either criticizing, becoming defensive, stonewalling or expressing contempt. Another way that we can tell our partner is in DPA is if they start to repeat themselves (this is because in their physiological state, they can’t listen).

What Do We Do When We Are In DPA?

When you catch yourself or your partner showing signs of flooding:

1. Stop Immediately and take a break. Breaks should last at least 30 minutes in length. Research shows that it takes our bodies about 30 minutes to work through the physiological arousal of flooding. Sometimes we need more time and that’s OK. Breaks shouldn’t last more than 24 hours, after 24 hours the likelihood that you and your partner will return to the issue decreases.

2. Set a time to meet up again with your partner. Saying something like “This is hard, I need to take a break. How about we continue this conversation in 30 minutes, is that OK?” can help you to communicate your needs and set a time to return to the conflict.

3. During the break take positive actions to help yourself calm down. Physical movement such as going for a walk or doing a short yoga routine can help your body to process the physiological response to your emotions. Other soothing activities to do during a break can include listening to music, watching a TV show, doing a meditation, going outside to get fresh air.

4. Don’t ruminate on the issue. If possible think about something else, anything else. Spending your break ruminating on the issue will cause you to re-enter the conflict with more fire and fury.

5. If you need more time, ask for it, tacking on 30 minutes to an hour each time and checking in with your partner as you go.

6. If your partner becomes upset with your need for a longer break, offer reassurance. A statement like “This is important to me and I want to make sure that I can really understand what you are telling me. I can’t do that right now but I do love you and I want to work through this with you” can be reassuring to your partner.

If you are finding that you and your partner are having the same fights over and over and are unable to resolve conflict, couples therapy may be able to help. A trained couples therapist can help you and your partner to learn communication skills to help move the two of you beyond the arguments and towards feeling more connected, supported, and closer.

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, a licensed marriage and family therapist in the states of California and Missouri is a Gottman trained, Level 2 (soon to be Level 3) therapist who specializes in couples seeking to rebuild their connection and create a fulfilling, meaningful, lasting love.

Call today, or click the link on the homepage to schedule a free 20 minute phone consultation to find out how couples therapy may be able to help your relationship.

What to Do When You've Said Something Wrong During an Argument With Your Partner

You’ve been fighting for hours about the same thing. Your tired, your frustrated, your blood pressure is shooting through the roof, and you start yelling. What comes out is cruel, off topic, and so not helpful to resolving the fight. You feel bad, your partner is even more mad, and now the two of you have taken a step backwards in working through this fight.

We’ve all been there. When this happens it is painful for sure, but not impossible to fix.

When things become escalated during a conversations and you can see that it is going no where good you have some options - one option being to try and give a repair.

There are a couple of types of ways that you can give a repair to your partner after you’ve said something you regret or when you see that you words have escalated the fight.

1. Affection: Remind your partner you love them, offer them some reassurance. Often times when we are in a fight we can have our fears triggered. Things like “they’re going to leave”, “they don’t love me”, “this is impossible, we can’t work through this” can come up and make it harder for our partners to work through conflict. Examples of affection include; “Hey, I love you and were going to get through this”, “I see that you are really trying to work this out with me, thank you”, “you are doing better with the dishes, thank you”.

2. Agreement: If your partner has successfully persuaded you in their argument, agree and move on. A simple statement like “true, you do have a good point” is often enough to move the conversation along towards resolution.

3. Compromise: Try and meet your partner part of the way towards their needs and see if they are willing to compromise to meet your need. To do a compromise, you need to be in the position to be able to understand your partners point of view and what they need. Example of a compromise: Partner 1: “You spend all day at softball, we never do anything on the weekends because of that”. Partner 2: “That’s not true, we have all day Saturday to do chores and grocery shop”. Partner 1: “Exactly! How is that time together?” Partner 2: “I see what you are saying. How about I pick up the groceries on Thursday night, and we come up with some kind of chore system where we get the chores done little by little throughout the week. Then we can have Saturday together.”

4. Defining the Conflict: It is not uncommon for one person or both partners to get lost in a conflict. With emotions, defenses, and issues that keep popping in and out of a conflict it can feel as if the 2 of you are talking about 2 different things. When things get heated in a fight it can help to take a pause and define the conflict. Example: “I just want to check in and make sure I understand why you are upset. You’re upset because ____. Is that correct?”

5. Guarding: This is when the conflict has risen to a point where one partner is feeling as if the other is approaching dangerous territory. Guarding can be used to gently set a boundary - “Careful, you know I get mad when you talk about my mom”.

6. Humor: Always a good thing. Humor can be used to laugh at the situation. Never laugh at your partner.

7. Making Promises: Make a promise to try and work on the issue. For example, if the issue is housework, say “How about I try and work on doing the dishes each night. It would help me too if you reminded me to take out the trash because I forget”.

When doing couples therapy I often work with couples on identifying moments, signs that their partners give them that let each partner know that the conversation or conflict is heading in a bad direction - one where resolution might not happen. I then work with the couple to help them identify helpful repair strategies, strategies that their partner might be most receptive too. I work with the couple to help them understand that it is each persons responsibility to help manage the flow of conflict, help their partner to manage emotions, and to work towards resolution. Repair attempts are just one of many strategies that couples can work on in therapy.

Start working on your relationship today! For a free phone consultation call (619)383-1900 or go to the homepage, scroll to the bottom of the page and click the link to schedule your free phone consultation.