It’s that time of the year again, the time when our family members feel free to ask awkward questions, questions that leave us feeling like the family disappointment. You love your family but you dread this time of the year because it brings up questions about your relationship, your career choices, and discussions on all the ways you have let your family down.
You love your family but you are so tired of feeling like a disappointment.
Below are a couple of tips to help you survive the holiday’s.
1. Plan ahead. Get an idea of how long you are comfortable staying and create an exit strategy. Know what you are going to say, when you are going to say, and to whom you are going to say it in order to get out of the house. For example if you know that Thanksgiving turns into a hot mess at 8 pm, after the pumpkin pie, have a plan to get out of your family members house just before the shit hits the fan. Have a one sentence statement to announce your departure, then get out as quick as possible. Examples of one sentence statements to get out out of Thanksgiving fast: “I better get going, got to feed the cat”, “I’m signed up for an early morning exercise class so I better get going”, “I am tired, I’d better get going”, “Thanks for the wonderful meal but it’s time for me to get going”.
2. If your family is small enough, bring a board game with you. Not only will this take the attention off of you but it will also create a fun shift in the dynamics where family members can playfully compete and have fun while they wait for dinner.
3. Boundaries. Be clear on the topics that tend to upset you, get you anxious or angry. Have a one sentence go to statement to either change the subject or set a boundary. For example, if your mom likes to ask about your career then criticize you for not making a different career choice you might say “I appreciate your concern mom but I don’t want to talk about my career today”. You might have to set your boundary a few times before your family member backs off. That’s OK, just repeat your go to statement.
4. Don’t engage. Be aware that the holiday’s are frequently a triggering time for many people. Know the topics that get you upset, when they come up, change the subject, walk out of the room, or stay quiet. Seldom will engaging with the provoking family member result in you feeling better. If after the holiday’s have passed you are still struggling with your feelings about a certain conversation or issue with a relative, have a calm conversation with them then.
5. Remember, your opinion about your choices and your life is the only opinion that matters. Regardless of what you family asks, what they think, or the comments they make, at the end of the day you are the one living your life. If you can look yourself in the mirror, know that you are happy and doing a good job, then that is all that matters. Once the holiday gathering is over, reflect on your successes in life. Get out your journal or make a bullet list on your phone and write all that you are grateful for in your life, all that you have accomplished in your life, and your successes.
If the holiday’s have you stressed, therapy can help you to manage some of that stress. Learn tools to manage stress, gain insight into family dynamics and why that triggers stress for you, learn to set boundaries and much more.
Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Berkeley, California. Gwendolyn is taking appointments now for mid December / early January.